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What to do after discovering infidelity / been cheated on multiple times – part 2

It’s an even harder blow for many when they find out that during the time the cheating took place they were going through difficult life events. For example: looking after an elderly parent, grieving the loss of a family member, unemployed, in hospital or unwell, pregnant or raising a newborn. In a way it’s a double betrayal because it is a double abandonment. You needed them and not only were they not there for you, they were focused on someone else or with someone else.


 It’s not easier for people that find out their partner was cheating in happy times though. I have people cry their heart out when they discover their partner was celebrating family birthdays, wedding anniversaries  or on fun family vacations when they were cheating.


Others are mortified when they feel that their sex life was the best it has been and wonder if it was any body else’s influence. It often makes people think well if they did this when things were so good, what do they do when it’s bad? Or they feel totally confused, I have given everything and I am not sure what they want from me. I don’t have anything more to give.



What to do after discovering infidelity / been cheated on multiple times - part 2



The hardest question for most is how could their partner lead two parallel lives at once? How could they go from me to them and not feel terrible, how could they keep the lies and deceit going?


It’s hard to answer that, many men and women who have cheated often reply


I don’t know, I didn’t think about the consequences, which offers little comfort.


I’ve been working with people the past 20 years almost and I have studied so many aspects about the mind, trauma and memory. My explanation is that just like the mind after a trauma or accident can blank out the memory, I believe that a person is able to compartmentalize and block out thinking about the two together or thinking through the consequences and damage it could cause. Often their ego encourages them, well you are not doing any harm if they don’t know, or you are good apart from this or I’ll stop next week or everybody cheats… Instead of really thinking about it the mind either blanks it out or minimizes it into nothing.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
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Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
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03:09 22 Jan 22
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17:19 20 Oct 21
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