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The most typical response is to discovering cheating is to withdraw. People withdraw because they never want to be so vulnerable again. This is the typical coping mechanism many of us used as children when hurt by our parents or children at school. Never again will I allow myself to be that vulnerable again, that hurt again and they retreat. A wall comes up and intimacy is blocked.


Whilst this is a common coping mechanism it’s not helpful or effective for the relationship to work out long-term. As if a person is withdrawn in the relationship, the connection will remain strained. It’s a process the person cheated on with the person who cheated on them need to work on together to build safety, trust and intimacy again. Often the partner on the receiving end of the the anger and withdrawal perceives it as a punishment. Beliving that their partner is putting them down or holding back affection to hurt and annoy them, this is not true. It’s an adaptive response to being hurt. It’s natural and the cheater must have patience and be willing to continue to reassure their partner that they are taking steps to make lasting changes.





There are several hallmarks of trauma Dr Gabor Mate a world renowned trauma expert identifies. First is that it is not just the bad things that happen to you, its also the absence of good things that should’ve happened to you. So its not just what happened, it’s also what didn’t happen. In the context of an affair it could be the absence of effort, and love shown in the relationship that was missing. It could be the lying, the deceit, the denial, lack of empathy, patience and compassion in the aftermath of an affair that can cause trauma.



As mentioned it is also not the event that happens, but it’s what happens in the individual, inside the individual, as a result of that external event. It happens in the body and it happens on the level of the psyche. Ultimately, it causes a disconnect from the Self. If the affair has caused trauma to you it is highly likely that you will question your value as a partner, that your physical body will be affected lack of appetite, poor sleep, hard to concentrate for example.


Your feelings and emotions will be affected from anger, confusion, hurt, disappointment and sometimes loneliness or shame.


Trauma also  shapes your view of the world causing a constriction. That’s what I meant by it constricts you, you may see marriage, relationship, men, women, sex in a different way. Some view themselves as naïve, stupid, a fool as I mentioned. This is an example of how the trauma affects a view of the world, relationships or the self.



Often people struggle to know what to do about their relationship because their gut feeling may be to give it a chance and see the good in their partner and want to forgive and the mind is saying no, run, or it might be the opposite the gut is saying leave and the mind is saying but what about the children, the finances or pain and public image of a breakup.


Trauma makes it difficult to be in the present moment so it is hard to enjoy life.


As trauma causes a constriction within us, unless healed properly the relationship and the persons natural growth process can be stunted. This can leave the couple to constantly feel on edge and not like something is missing.


Trauma also affects the capacity to regulate our responses to the present moment. The part of the brain called the mid-frontal cortex is responsible for us having a flexible response to various situations, which means when an external trigger occurs, we can be flexible in our response, according to what is needed. We can choose A, B, C or D as a way of responding to something that occurs. But trauma restricts us to a set of predictable automatic reactions. It might be a fear reaction, an anger reaction, a hiding reaction, a running away reaction, shutting down the reaction. The more traumatized you are, the more limited, restricted, and stereotyped those reactions will be.


 You’ve been traumatized not when you felt pain, but when after the trauma you were more limited in your view and in your capacities to respond than you were before.


Why am I sharing this? Because I want you to know how important it is to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. It’s also so important to get the right help, I focus on not only looking at the pain of the affair but also the trauma it has caused the person in their body, emotions, feelings, view of the world. Those feelings, beliefs and decisions about life, themselves need to be cleared.

Mila TutorMila Tutor
07:10 25 Mar 23
I have worked with Nicola for some time now and have found her to be compassionate, kind, and extremely helpful. She has helped me a lot.
Riti SajitRiti Sajit
06:58 25 Mar 23
Nicola is a wonderful human 🤍 Thank you for helping me through my difficult time.Still living by your words and advice. I would definitely recommend anyone needing relationship counseling to try Nicola :)
Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!