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Childhood Trauma or past relationship cheating can lead to affair trauma.

I also notice that it is often traumatised people cheat, they have had their view of themselves, the world challenged in the past. It’s also behind many addictive behaviours. Addiction is an attempt to regulate oneself, to get rid of an unpleasant feeling and replace it with a pleasant one, to regulate the nervous system. Secondary behaviors that follow addiction are lying, cheating, betraying everything and everybody. Then, this is followed by shame. We can recognize that even addiction as a set of adaptations, it’s a way to cope



Trauma also changes our nervous system. When we’re traumatized, we’re in fight or flight mode, or we’re in freeze mode and we dissociate. Any of these may be associated with a stomach upset or breathing problems.


Childhood Trauma or past relationship cheating can lead to affair trauma.


Trauma changes the nervous system so that we will act as though we are in a defensive mode, even when there is no danger. So that’s an automatic reaction.



Trauma can also distort our relationships, and cause us to seek relationships with people who either rescue us from ourselves. You might be very upset with them when they don’t rescue you, and will look for someone else to rescue you or take care of you. You might seek a relationship unwillingly where you reenact all the trauma that you’ve already experienced because that’s what you now think is normal. So you’ll attract somebody or be interested in somebody who reminds you of one of the people in your life, one of your parents perhaps, or another important figure in your childhood that traumatized you because that’s what you know.


Vicarious trauma means that the person was traumatized by what happened to somebody else. Gabor says there is no such thing as vicarious trauma. When these people hear or witness the stories of their parents for example, the trauma that actually happened to them is activated. So it’s a personal wound that is activated when we witness or hear the story of trauma in somebody else.


So for all these reasons you may be finding it so difficult to cope with the affair.


We all have been wounded and we all have the capacity to heal. To do this we must understand what has happened to ourselves. That is why so many people who come for marriage affair recovery support, both end up doing my individual breakthrough program. The individual breakthrough program is not about going over the past, it is about reconnecting to what is present in the person’s body when they are dealing with an affair, what feelings are their, by reconnecting to the body people can release and learn from is, so they can reconnect with themselves and their present environment.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!