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What to do after discovering infidelity / been cheated on multiple times – part 1

Nothing can describe the trauma so many men and women go through when they find their partner has cheated on them the first time and when they discover it has happened again the shattering blow can be unbearable – being hit by a truck some describe it.


Why is this?

Often the hope for a happy marriage and relationship goes completely. That with the feeling like a fool and self-bashing gets more intense or the anger and resentment feels explosive. 



What to do after discovering infidelity / been cheated on multiple times - part 1



In my experience working with over 7000 couples where an affair has taken place people can tend to forgive a cheating mistake and the lies if it was the first time. Often a person can put it down to stressful times, a rocky patch or justify it in their head saying it is out of character and that they made a mistake. Recovery is easier when the cheater gives a heartfelt apology, seems genuinely remorseful and takes action to rebuild trust. Second chances are often given and the couple move forward with some support to take their relationship to an even stronger place.


Some are able to move on after the initial painful first three months, when they actively work on releasing resentment and their anger. Those I support to release are able to also let go of the hurt and fear of being cheated on again. Fear and anxiety can be very difficult to put out of someones mind after being cheated on, however retraining the thoughts into more positive can be done.


But when a person finds out their partner has cheated again for the second time. Letting go becomes so much harder.  It’s the same when someone has asked their partner for the full truth after finding out about one cheating incident and are promised that’s everything, told no there’s nothing else you don’t know and they find out more.


Finding out cheating and the lying has happened multiple times is unbearable for most people at first.


Many say they feel broken, like their heart, mind and full body has been severed into thousands of little pieces. They can’t sleep properly, think clearly or stomach anything. Small tasks seem so big and sadly others have panic attacks.  The mind hangs on every thing they have seen, every word their partner has said, questions everything, the thoughts take over and people often don’t recognise themselves any more.


Some experience a numbness, feel nothing. They find it hard to understand themselves, why don’t I care or feel anything towards them. Our psyche has a numb defense mechanism which gets triggered for some to kick in. Many I help feel like an observer of their own life, they are there but not really there, I feel like a ghost” one lady described it to me.


For some the shattering is so overwhelming in the first few days to weeks that they don’t want to get out of bed, to carry on, to exist. Some think life isn’t worth living. This is natural and normal. It passes by itself although talking to someone can really benefit many people during this dark time. If the darkness stays then it’s important to reach out for help from a specialist.


The next phase after the shock and shattering are strong feelings of hurt, anger, confusion and self-doubt.


It’s the internal questioning that drains the life out of you, you know this but your mind does not stop asking you these questions and you feel exhausted… 


How can someone live a double life?

How did he not think of us and our children when doing it?

How could she do this to me?

How long has it REALLY been going on?

Why when we have a great sex life?

Did they ever love me or is the whole relationship a lie?

How could they be so two faced?

How come they can sleep at night and I can’t?

How can they cheat when the thought of me cheating on them makes me feel sick???

How could they do it at that time, when I was going through such a hard time myself?


What to do after discovering infidelity / been cheated on multiple times - part 1


There are so many questions I could fill this whole podcast with them…


Most people for their own sanity focus on putting a full timeline together, on where they were that day and what was happening. They may go through financial bank and credit card statements, phone records, trawl through social media accounts, whats app messages, emails, pockets, work bags, photos taken and locations their partner has visited to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!