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In this episode I will focusing on what the addict can do to recover and help their partner and relationship. I will create a third podcast on this topic to help those who have discovered their partner has cheated multiple times. Stay tuned for that and subscribe to the show to make sure you don’t miss it.
Cheating and sex addiction can be physical but it doesn’t have to be. It can also include indulging in sexting, cybersex, fielding romantic attention on the internet, excessive porn viewing or masturbation, and paying for sex work.
For obvious reasons, cheating and sex addiction can destroy a relationship. It can also shatter a person who gets hurt multiple times and begins to doubt themselves. Many men and women who have been cheated on more than once, feel like a fool, like they are weak, naive, stupid for loving and trusting their partner again. I always reiterate that this is not the case, it is harder to stay and to love, and trust again, that takes strength. Some feel that if they stay in the relationship they are not loving, respecting or honouring themselves, that again their is something wrong with them. Some attack their looks, their age, their performance in sex. Whilst this is normal and natural after the discovery of being cheated on is revealed it is not your fault. There is always a choice by the other person to cheat and in my experience working with thousands of couples the cheating has nothing to do with the other person in 99% of cases, it is always to do with the cheaters need to fix, change or escape their feelings or thoughts.
It is often not all a bed of roses for the serial cheater and sex addict either. Most suffer with low self-esteem, don’t feel appreciated, loved, wanted and the cycle of cheating makes them feel worse about themselves, the guilt, the shame, the hurt they have caused, the exposure if shared with friends, family members, is painful. They come to me so angry at themselves for breaking their own promises, for risking their whole future happiness for a quick thrill. I have spoken with both men and women who cheat for the challenge, the conquest, can they get that person in bed, see how far that person will go with them and then after they are not interested. They never want to see that person again, they just wanted to see if they could. I feel for the other women and men on the receiving end of this, they often have such low-self-esteem too and don’t care if the man or woman is married or not, they need the attention also. Age can play a factor in cheating addiction for some people, many women and men I have worked with said that when they hit 40, 50, 60 they worried they weren’t desired any more and sought out to test it. I had a 60 year old man who had slept with high end prostitutes all his 30 year marriage cry when he realised that these women were with him for money and power. He had been deluding himself he was wanted and desired because they would call him and tell him how great he was. He grew up in the UK and always felt the odd one out, not good enough, defective, because his skin was darker than the British children, he was from Greece. He would go to great lengths to be liked at school and did this by misbehaving, being the class clown and talking about his sexual conquests to get attention
Many sex addicts share with me it is not even worth it, not even pleasurable but the game is addictive. Sex addicts and cheating addicts alike pick the most vulenrable people to have affairs with, those that respond quickly and want the attention, those with low self-esteem need the attention given and in that way they feed off each other. Both appearing like they have a powerful sexual or romantic connection, a strong chemistry but it is often a wounded low self-esteem person seeking another to feel good about themselves. I find this also in women who accept to be a second wife, accept to be a mistresses sometimes it is money, sometimes it is because they believe deep down that is what they are worth.
Others are scared of intimacy, avoid intimacy in their romantic relationship and have sex chat with others instead which can be so hurtful and confusing for their partner. Many men shy away from intimacy in their relationship because they fear they will dissapoint their partner sexually either it won’t last long or won’t work for them and the fear keeps them avoiding their partner sexually. Fear of sex can happen over night with one bad experience and then it can cause a man to freeze up at the thought of sex with the one they love. So they resort to sexting or escorts to test out their sexual attractiveness and performance.