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Cheating and Sex Addiction, How To Recover and Help Your Relationship

In this episode I will focusing on what the addict can do to recover and help their partner and relationship. I will create a third podcast on this topic to help those who have discovered their partner has cheated multiple times. Stay tuned for that and subscribe to the show to make sure you don’t miss it.


Cheating and sex addiction can be physical but it doesn’t have to be. It can also include indulging in sexting, cybersex, fielding romantic attention on the internet, excessive porn viewing or masturbation, and paying for sex work.


For obvious reasons, cheating and sex addiction can destroy a relationship. It can also shatter a person who gets hurt multiple times and begins to doubt themselves. Many men and women who have been cheated on more than once, feel like a fool, like they are weak, naive, stupid for loving and trusting their partner again. I always reiterate that this is not the case, it is harder to stay and to love, and trust again, that takes strength. Some feel that if they stay in the relationship they are not loving, respecting or honouring themselves, that again their is something wrong with them. Some attack their looks, their age, their performance in sex. Whilst this is normal and natural after the discovery of being cheated on is revealed it is not your fault. There is always a choice by the other person to cheat and in my experience working with thousands of couples the cheating has nothing to do with the other person in 99% of cases, it is always to do with the cheaters need to fix, change or escape their feelings or thoughts.



Cheating and Sex Addiction, How To Recover and Help Your Relationship



It is often not all a bed of roses for the serial cheater and sex addict either. Most suffer with low self-esteem, don’t feel appreciated, loved, wanted and the cycle of cheating makes them feel worse about themselves, the guilt, the shame, the hurt they have caused, the exposure if shared with friends, family members, is painful.  They come to me so angry at themselves for breaking their own promises, for risking their whole future happiness for a quick thrill. I have spoken with both men and women who cheat for the challenge, the conquest, can they get that person in bed, see how far that person will go with them and then after they are not interested. They never want to see that person again, they just wanted to see if they could. I feel for the other women and men on the receiving end of this, they often have such low-self-esteem too and don’t care if the man or woman is married or not, they need the attention also. Age can play a factor in cheating addiction for some people, many women and men I have worked with said that when they hit 40, 50, 60 they worried they weren’t desired any more and sought out to test it. I had a 60 year old man who had slept with high end prostitutes all his 30 year marriage cry when he realised that these women were with him for money and power. He had been deluding himself he was wanted and desired because they would call him and tell him how great he was. He grew up in the UK and always felt the odd one out, not good enough, defective, because his skin was darker than the British children, he was from Greece. He would go to great lengths to be liked at school and did this by misbehaving, being the class clown and talking about his sexual conquests to get attention   


Many sex addicts share with me it is not even worth it, not even pleasurable but the game is addictive. Sex addicts and cheating addicts alike pick the most vulenrable people to have affairs with, those that respond quickly and want the attention, those with low self-esteem need the attention given and in that way they feed off each other. Both appearing like they have a powerful sexual or romantic connection, a strong chemistry but it is often a wounded low self-esteem person seeking another to feel good about themselves. I find this also in women who accept to be a second wife, accept to be a mistresses sometimes it is money, sometimes it is because they believe deep down that is what they are worth.


Others are scared of intimacy, avoid intimacy in their romantic relationship and have sex chat with others instead which can be so hurtful and confusing for their partner. Many men shy away from intimacy in their relationship because they fear they will dissapoint their partner sexually either it won’t last long or won’t work for them and the fear keeps them avoiding their partner sexually. Fear of sex can happen over night with one bad experience and then it can cause a man to freeze up at the thought of sex with the one they love. So they resort to sexting or escorts to test out their sexual attractiveness and performance.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!