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Trauma and Pain of Abortions – Individual and couple counseling dubai and online

Nicola Beer is a relationship coach dubai and alternative to marriage counselling dubai and who also runs life coaching certification and relationship coaching certification courses.   

There are so many reasons an individual or couple choose to or have to make the difficult decision to abort a pregnancy. This can leave a person riddled with guilt and it can create feelings of resentment between a couple. Not to mention a person who goes through abortion could experience deep feelings of trauma and pain for years to come. In fact some women I have supported to break emotional eating patterns or low self-esteem the root cause of their triggering pain was the abortion lost 15 or 20 years prior. It is important to seek counseling in dubai or couple counselling dubai or online if you are suffering with the pain of abortion.   

Today, I will share some case studies of couples that I have supported post abortion in couple counseling dubai, individual depression counseling dubai and online. I will explore how having an abortion can impact a relationship, what happens to a person emotionally and physically when they have an abortion, and end with tips on what you can do if you find yourself struggling to cope with the trauma of an abortion and it is impacting your relationship.  

Relationship Counseling Dubai – Case Study 1 – Melina and Ahmed

Melina and Ahmed had been dating secretly for a few years when they accidentally fell pregnant. Melina was happy but they were both scared of the potential repercussions because pregnancy before marriage is seriously frowned upon in their community and may lead to out right rejection and shame. Ahmed was deeply worried about his family finding out, so he begged Melina to terminate the pregnancy.  

This caused so much pain to them both and even though they did eventually get married, neither of them could forget what had happened before. Melina particularly struggled to let go of the memory of her unborn baby, especially now that she has two boys – she is always wondering what it would have been like to have kept the baby and what if it was a girl, what would she be like and she notices boys and girls around the age the baby would now be with sadness and wonder.   

All these thoughts and feelings are more intense whenever Melina has conflict with her in-laws and her husband does not stand up for her because she instantly remembers the pain of the past and how rejected she felt then, and this intensifies her resentment and feelings of rejection more now.  

As sex before marriage is so unaccepted in Ahmed’s community, there has been no chance for either of them to talk about what has happened – it’s all brushed under the carpet so that no one finds out, which makes it so much harder to process the loss and trauma.  

Marriage Counselling Dubai – Case Study 2 – Samantha and Phil Samantha and Phil have two children and were living comfortably until COVID hit. They ran an events and tourism business which sadly collapsed and financially they were ruined. They couldn’t afford to pay their debts to the suppliers and to add to the stress, Samantha found out that she was pregnant.   

Phil believed they had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy because he was already struggling financially, and another baby would just put more strain on the family. Phil felt if they carried on with this pregnancy he would fall into depression because he was already feeling highly stressed, anxious and very low from the debts and loss of business.   

Samantha begged him to keep the baby saying she couldn’t do it and didn’t want to do it and that they would find a way to manage. Having two amazing children, she was so shocked her husband could even think of suggesting it. Phil always went back to the numbers and this drove Samantha mad, how cold and heartless she thought and began to see him in a different light. Reluctantly she made an appointment but it did not sit right with her at all. A few hours before she begged him again pleading with him and he said that if they kept the baby he would lose him self, that they were drowning in debt and he would not be able to cope. He told her I am so close to breaking point I won’t be able to handle it if we keep the baby. So she went ahead and the grief, pain, sadness and loss was so overwhelming for her. She suffered for several months in a deep depression before she saw me and couldn’t stand the sight of her husband. Her only way to cope was to focus on the children as best she could and completely withdraw from him. She was cold and short when he tried to talk to her and he felt terrible on both fronts. Terrible his wife was suffering, terrible financially they were struggling and began to hate himself.   

Samantha first needed to heal and come to terms with the loss which we did and then I worked with Phil to understand how best to help Samantha and how to make more effort in the relationship. Because previously it was Samantha that was the romantic, the social butterfly and the person that created the positive energy in the home and she could no longer do that. After Phil had started to make efforts, she came to release this resentment and anger. She needed him to really show his love for her for her to do that and they managed to get the loving feelings towards one another back.   

Whatever the reason behind a couple having an abortion, there is one thing I see time and time again as a relationship coach, couple counselling dubai and online professional and grief specialist, and that is how deep the trauma and pain flows for the couple post abortion.   

One or both partners may experience the following after an abortion –   

  • Guilt – many feel guilt for years or decades sadly unless they do releasing work. One lady believed that because she had an abortion at 17 she didn’t deserve to have children ever in her life as a punishment. We cleared that and she went on to have twins at 41 years old. If it also went against personal beliefs or morals, it can be hard for the mind sometimes to let it go.
  • Flashbacks/nightmares – They may keep reliving what happened and what could have been.
  • Feel undeserving – If they are still punishing themselves for having an abortion, they may feel like they don’t deserve anything good in life.
  • Self-destructive behaviours – The guilt or trauma of what they have experienced may push them to turn to alcohol, drugs, comfort eating or seeing comfort in other people to try and numb/block out the pain.
  • Anxiety/depression – Repressed emotions can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression because abortion is a difficult thing for the mind to comprehend or process so the emotions come out in different ways like low moods, heart palpitations and difficulty sleeping etc.
  • Obsessing over falling pregnant again – Whether they want to fall pregnant again or they struggle to fall pregnant, they may start to think that they are being punished by God or Karma for the abortion, so they become more and more obsessed about falling pregnant again to make everything right again.
  • Becoming distant – Sometimes, couples or individuals who have had an abortion and have other children may struggle to be loving towards them because they feel like they have wronged their children by depriving them of another sibling. Or they may feel like they don’t deserve their living children because of the abortion.
 

Having an abortion is viewed different to losing a child naturally, so for this reason a person who didn’t want to terminate their pregnancy or regrets doing so, may find they have had no closure which leaves them feeling so lost. For example, after an abortion there is no memorial service to mourn the loss, the process can be quite clinical and cold, and you may feel like you are left with all this unspent love for the child you wanted, which can quickly turn into anger and resentment towards your partner or your situation.  

If you can resonate with any of this, I hope my tips on how to move forward after going through an abortion and rebuild a healthy connection with your partner, help you.  

 

Nicola Beer is a relationship coach dubai and alternative to marriage counselling dubai and who also runs life coaching certification and relationship coaching certification courses.   

 

  1. Forgive yourself – First and foremost it is so important that you learn to forgive yourself. You are not a bad person and you do not gain anything by punishing yourself. You have been through something that is physically and emotionally draining so be kind to yourself.
 

  1. Process the loss – If you feel like you are struggling with the fact that there are no memories of your pregnancy or you are feeling really sad about the whole situation, it might be a good idea to try and process the grief. Write down your emotions, talk to people you trust about what you are going through and give yourself time to mourn your loss if it helps. Some I have supported have written a letter to the unborn baby or planned a ritual every year to remember them. 
 

  1. Make plans for the future – It is easy to get stuck in the past and keep going over what has happened, but we have to remember that we can’t change the past in reality. However we can release the emotions and trauma of the past from the mind and we can change how we respond to things in the present and future. Switching your thoughts to what you can control is essential and gives the much needed light at the end of the tunnel. Use your experiences to build a brighter future.
 

  1. Release anger, fear, guilt and resentment – Something I focus on with clients that I work with is releasing past emotions and hurtful beliefs. When we are holding on to things from the past, it is easy to become anxious, blow up at your loved ones and over the smallest things, because you are actually angry or resentful about the abortion not what is happening now. To avoid this, it is so important to talk through your feelings with your partner and explain how the abortion has made you feel. Tell them what you need from them in order to heal and then incorporate daily practice like meditation or journaling to release emotions that you are holding on to.
 

  1. Speak to a professional – For some, it is so helpful to seek the guidance of a professional. We can get so stuck in our own consuming thoughts that we can’t see the light after an abortion. A professional is able to help you re-direct your thoughts and give you the best coping strategies to move past and heal from an abortion.
 

If you have any questions about healing from an abortion or want to know more about how I can support you heal from the trauma and pain following an abortion, please send me an email or book a free call so we can get you on the path to healing. nb@nicolabeer.com  and whats app +971 50 94 54 233   

Nicola Beer is a relationship coach dubai and alternative to marriage counselling dubai and who also runs life coaching certification and relationship coaching certification courses. 

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