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How to help yourself or your partner through an identity crisis

As a life coach I have helped many people find their purpose in life and breakthrough old patterns of anxiety, addiction and lack of confidence. Through my individual breakthrough packages I have supported many individuals completely lose their unwanted anger, sadness, fear, hurt and guilt behind so they can be free, which in turn has led them to make huge lifestyle changes.

 

 

The number of clients that have turned to me for a deeper breakthrough than traditional counseling or life coaching has increased. With people recognizing that unless they take the time to change their life, things will stay the same. That’s understandable as people have definitely had more time at home, locked in to think than ever before. For this reason, I wanted to dedicate a podcast to getting through or supporting a partner who is going through an identity crisis.

 

 

As this is a strong reason people seek my support, I will start by explaining what can come up for people going through what they term an identity crisis. Including a few case studies of people that I have supported as a certified life coach in Dubai and online. Then I will wrap up today’s topic with my top tips and suggestions of how you can work through or support a partner through an identity crisis.

Signs that you are going through an identity crisis –

• Questioning who you are and your role within your family and whether this is the life you actually want?
• Struggling to connect to those around you, as you feel you don’t fit in
• Doubting relationships and friendships and the meaning of them – things seem kind of fake.
• Wondering what your role is within society or the wider community, questioning the meaning of life and your purpose.
• Not identifying with the religion you were born into or followed and now you are unsure what to believe or find yourself going against your previous beliefs.
• As a result of major life changes and challenges you have lost your confidence and self-esteem and find yourself doubting your capabilities.
• Questioning your life choices, cultural norms and traditions – finding it hard to connect with others on these principles.
• Searching for your purpose in life and feeling confused about career progression or opportunities because you are not sure where your professional life is headed or what makes you happy.
• Your finding yourself impulsive and undecisive frequent changing views and thoughts, hard to make decisions as you have somehow lost touch with your old self.
• Not feeling like you are the gender you were born into.
• You struggle to commit to things because you are scared that what you choose to do is not necessarily what you want or is good for you.
• Material items have become meaningless to you
• Old ways of enjoying yourself like alcohol, partying, drugs have no appeal
• Falling completely out of love from your partner or stopping enjoying being a husband, wife or parent

There are so many more signs that you may notice, however I am sure you get the general idea. Here are some examples of people I supported through what they termed an identity crisis.

 

Reema was born and raised in a British Indian family. Her family were quite traditional and although they lived in the UK, they incorporated a lot of the Indian culture and traditions into their daily lives – including food, clothes and values around relationships, marriage and dating. Reema couldn’t resonate much with her family’s mentality and for years felt like she truly was out of place. She found herself pretending to be a certain person so that she could fit in during family events and the local Indian community get togethers.

 

As Reema went to a western school and university, she met people from all walks of life, with different upbringings and opinions on different things and she also felt she didn’t belong there either. She began to also put on a front to fit in at University and later in the workplace. When she came to me she realized that her whole life she felt that she really belonged anywhere. She didn’t know what her beliefs, wants and needs were. She had never experienced the freedom to be herself, instead she was always trying to fit in. Pretending to be someone to be liked and accepted and never accepting herself.

 

It was taking a toll on her relationships, work confidence and self-esteem. Even when given love she could not accept it, as she could not accept herself. She was carrying a lot of guilt and resentment from the past. She felt low energy, confusion and tired most of the time. She searched on google for life coaches in Dubai and found me!

 

We got started straight away with a breakthrough session which is an intensive session of deep transformative coaching work to rapidly break the old sabotaging patterns and for her to find her true self and purpose. 

 

Part of the process was forgiveness to her parents who criticized the way she looked, forgiving herself for copying this and judging herself and making herself miserable for many years and rediscovery work to find her passions and true purpose. We ended with setting self-care goals, boundaries with others and actions towards her dream business.  

 

It was so rewarding to see Reema’s transformation seeing her confidence sky-rocket and inner happiness flourish. For the first time in her life she felt comfortable in herself and to keep up the positive vibes I gave her my manifest while you rest audio program full of 25 hypnotherapies to enjoy weekly to install and maintain positive beliefs. This helped her to think positive things about herself at the subconscious level.

 

Another man I worked with has lost his faith and his wife was threatening divorce because of it, as under Islam a Muslim woman cannot stay married to a man who does not believe. It was a challenging time for them both and the future of their whole family and wider family was brought into the uncertainty and confusion. It had to be handled very carefully to ensure peace, love and security for the children and each other remained intact. I completed two individual full day breakthrough sessions for them each and then we came together to find a way forward they could both be happy with.

 

Lastly I will share about what happened with Caroline, Caroline felt stuck in her marriage. The past 6 years she didn’t know whether to stay or leave it. She grew up in a strict household with an alcoholic father who was either in a great mood or absent and aggressive. Her mum’s mood was also up and down, she was always in the kitchen cooking or on the phone. Caroline felt lonely and in the way both of her parents. If she went into the kitchen she would hear her mum complain about how selfish and bad the dad was and her Dad sat watching sports drinking and silent. It was especially when they argued, she vowed that her relationship would never be like this but yet she found the same distance between her and her husband. They could not connect. The pain of her parents divorce when she was 14 also still plagued her. She remembered how toxic it was hearing her parents blame one another to cope  and Caroline began to use food to stuff down her emotions. Her parent’s divorce broke her because things got worse not better after they had less money, less attention and less love. So she didn’t not want divorce for her own children, yet she was desperately unhappy with her husband Eric.  Worse than this she hated herself she had become a daily drinker herself, piled on weight and constantly felt puffy, bloated and tired. When she came to me she was ready for my breakthrough program. She had had enough, it was time. Time to work on herself, time to get free, time to live her life happily and freely and time to make some big decisions on where she wanted to be. Together we healed the wounds of the past, got clear on the actions she needed to take for herself and children and she took massive strides to become the best version of herself.

 

When we cleared her fears she felt calmer, the desire to reach for food and alcohol diminished. Her thinking became clearer day by day and much to her pleasure so did her skin become brighter, friends would comment on how well and alive she looked. After putting herself back up there she got clear on what she wanted to give and receive in the marriage. She raised her standards and together her and her husband sat with me to share what they each needed and what would have to change straight away for them both to be happy. Again I had individual breakthrough sessions with them each and then brought them together to focus on their joint goals, dreams and passions. They are now living a life full of excitement, love and connectedness. Freedom from our pasts is so important to have a good relationship now, sadly otherwise we can repeat our parents relationship patterns and lifestyle habits.

 

So, what can you do if you find yourself in some kind of relationship or personal crisis right now? If you are feeling somehow stuck or confused? Here are a few tips if you are struggling personally or your loved one is.

 

  1. Set some alone time –

It is easy to feel like you are losing yourself when you are surrounded by strong opinionated people that like to push their opinions, beliefs and thoughts onto you. When you set time aside to focus on yourself, you allow yourself the opportunity to question yourself in a productive way – “What am I feeling right now?” “What is feels good, what feels unnatural to me? “How would I like to go about my day today? What would I spend my time off doing if I only had me to think about this weekend or week?” “What do I really not want in my life right now?” “What helps me to ground myself when I feel like I am losing control somehow?” etc. It may be a difficult task to give yourself alone time to reflect and ask questions however it is so powerful do make time at least weekly if not daily. We need space to work out who we are and where we want to go, which is why keeping busy can be the worse thing we can do for ourselves.

 

  1. Enjoy living in the present –

Learn from children who are so good at living in the present. All we have is the present we cannot change the past, we cannot control the future and so all we have is the now. Enjoy it, take action choose love over fear. I find that when I relax and accept everything, everything becomes easy.

Sometimes it is not easy to forgive, forget or release the past, if we carry it inside our emotional and physical body especially that is why we must do the healing and releasing work when we recognize that we have no peace in the present due to the past.

 

Unlike children who have no choice in their home environment we have the opportunity to love and protect ourselves, to change our environment and switch our attitude. What helps you get into the present moment? Music does for me, so does yoga and meditation as well as being with friends and family. Listen to what you need each day and be present when you are doing each task you do. Putting away the screen is so important to be fully present and being present brings peace. Gratitude of the here and now is also an amazing thing to do to bring peace. As well as focusing on your life a day and a week at a time.

 

  1. Notice how you see yourself and talk to yourself –

One of the most powerful things I focus on in my signature breakthrough sessions is helping people to break-free from being their own inner critic and seeing themselves negatively. When I hear someone tell me that they think they are too old, fat, boring, set in their ways, lacking in confidence, intelligence, organization, memory, passion, happiness, empathy, kindness, energy, people skills, the list goes on. The problem is they have then taken on this identity as true. They believe it, act like it is true. If you have been told certain things about yourself all your life, you may struggle to see yourself in a positive way. You may begin to talk to yourself in a negative way also. As you most likely know our childhood and adult significant emotional events shape these internal conversations we have. For example before I had a breakthrough session done on me I hadn’t realized how I had adopted my mothers critical voice and told myself the exact same things she said to me and to herself. I would tell myself I’m ugly with bags under eyes, that I have a fat stomach and when I made a mistake I would call myself an idiot and stupid. This bashing overtime brings you down, you start to believe it and that you are no good. On the subconscious level you may think who would want to be around me. This brings your energy down and you perform worse in things that you do. Other people have had the privilege of amazing empowering parental messages but got bullied at school or were crushed in a toxic relationship or work situation later on. The point is, so many things can create us to attack ourselves internally. There is little point in going over and over the story why, that is what traditional counseling does breakthrough coaching is different, it helps you learn from it, break free of it and start loving yourself.

 

You can start this journey for yourself today. Notice everything you say to yourself, write it down if you can as the more you can become aware of the negative messages you give yourself and stop them the happier you will become. Start to note down your positive attributes and what you bring to others. Vow to speak kindly to yourself and those you encounter, you will great and so will they. Don’t entertain judging others or yourself be loving and so too will you be loved.

 

  1. Consider a lifestyle coach / breakthrough life coach –

A life coach or lifestyle coach is a thought partner who can help you define your values, goals and dreams and adjust your life accordingly. A breakthrough coach supports you to break free from self-sabotaging thoughts, unwanted habits and behaviours. Whether you feel stuck in a relationship, with low confidence or in your career and life purpose, becoming unstuck is essential. Self-discovery and guidance to become the best version of yourself brings so much joy because you will be able to build a future that is totally in tune with who you really are. Sometimes having someone neutral to help you organize your thoughts and your life can do wonders, especially when you are left feeling overwhelmed.

 

 

If you are trying to support your partner through depression and an identity crisis it can be difficult knowing what the right thing is to do is.  Here are some of the tips that have helped those who have come to me for marriage counseling Abu Dhabi and Dubai.

 

1… Remind them that you accept them for who they are –

When someone is going through an identity crisis, they may worry about their partner watching them on this journey of self-discovery or about disappointing or losing you. Reassure them that you want what is best for them and that you want to see them happy again.

 

As the supporting partner, it’s so important to keep reminding your husband or wife that you are there for them, you love them wholeheartedly and you support this journey they are on.

 

If you need time out to find yourself, peace and happiness do that also. If you need extra help and time around the house, discuss together and maybe get some temporary outside assistance.

 

2, Allow your partner the space and time to focus on themselves.  Encourage them to have some time alone. When you are in a relationship with someone who is going through depression, anxiety or an identity crisis it can be easy to feel like you need to step in and take control. Long-term this will not help them or the relationship. Move from care-taking to caring. As this is the last thing someone needs when they are trying to find themselves and, in many cases, they are still trying to find their own voice.

 

So encourage them to take time out by themselves or to get a life coach or join a free recovery support group. Even if it is you that needs to leave the house as they won’t.

If you or them are really struggling and would like to learn more about breakthrough lifestyle coaching online you can visit my website and book a free breakthrough session with me so that we can get you started on your self-discovery journey or if you’re not ready to 1:1 life coaching do download for free from my website my self-confidence meditation along with the show notes or visit nicolabeer.com

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