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Every week I work with people to help them get over a break up, where they will say to me, how can I get over someone, how do I move on and get over a break up or divorce.
Many of the people that join my 3 day holistic breakthrough sessions come because they have been cheated on and don’t feel good enough and others come because they don’t feel good enough after the relationship has ended. Where many tell me they feel rejected, regretful, frustrated both at their ex-partner and themselves.
Romantic comedies and tv shows make it seem super simple to get over a break-up. Just sit on the sofa, watch sad movies, eat a ton of ice-cream and after 2 days your back to normal and ready to move on. But in reality, many I help pick up even worse habits like — ignoring friends and family, neglecting work, indulging in other unhealthy habits like emotional eating, drinking, spending or going all out on changing the way they look. Some people come to me years later as they have didn’t take any time for themselves, they just kept busy and buried their head in their work or children or dived straight into a rebound relationship.
So, I will share a bit of my personal story on how I felt when I went through a break-up and others I’ve helped and of course as always share some some tips that do really work when it comes to how to get over a breakup.
When the person you love, respect and want to be with, shatters you with the news that they want to break up it can make you feel sick to the stomach. For me it felt like I had been punched in my gut a permanent feeling of being wounded. My whole heart and gut hurt and felt like a heavy pressure was on me day and night.
It’s strange how much our emotions, mind and body are intertwined.
The thoughts most of us think when were told the relationship is over can be put into 4 main categories, see if you can identify with these
1, The “Why Me” Phase
2, The Angry At Partner Phase
3, The What If Stage Regret and Fear
4, The Irritated as Self Stage
I’ll explain the thoughts and questions in each one
1, The “Why Me” Phase
Why is this happening to me?
How can this be true?
What’s wrong with me?
What makes me so unlovable?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why do I have to start back at the beginning
How come others can get through difficult times
2, The Angry At Partner Phase
Then we may feel angry thoughts like…
How could they do this to me?
Did they use me and fool me?
Why aren’t they willing to work on it?
How do they know it can’t work if we haven’t tried everything?
I hate them, well I don’t but I do
They must have met someone else
This anger fades in and out for most people. Which can then lead to the next phase
3, The What If Stage Regret and Fear
What if I was more fun and organised better things to do
What if I had more interesting things to say, did they find me boring?
What if I was not pleasing them in sex, perhaps I should have done more?
What if I had worked less and gave them more attention
What if I made more of an effort
What if I never meet anyone that loves me
What if I’ll be single for a long time
What if others see me as a failure
4, The Irritated as Self Stage
Why do I still care about them
How can I still love someone that can do this to me
Why am I not over it yet
Why am I not able to sleep
Why do I feel so lost, confused and unsure of myself
Why can’t I stop thinking about everything
These phases people can cycle in and out the frustration, hurt and sadness can wake you up in the night and visit you any time of day without warning.
If there is little explanation as to why and just general answers are given like I love you, I am not in love with you, or there is too much water under the bridge it can make it harder.
We want to know the truth and we are also scared of it, scared to told we have negative traits or did something wrong. As the thought of that, hearing that we destroyed our own relationship happiness can be too painful.
Any kind words they say will feel fake and you most probably will just delete them.
For example I remember being told:
You’re an amazing person. I respect you professionally and personally.
I thought yeah right, then why is this relationship ending? Others are told
It’s not you it’s me
I do love you, I’m just not in love with you
I wish things could be different but they can’t
You’re great to be with, it’s just need some time to be on my own
The feelings of rejection are so painful. The shattered, dreams, hopes and expectations you had for the future are gone, which makes all break up’s a grieving process. All endings are a loss to be processed
The hardest part for me when I went through my break up was waking up in the night I’d go to bed at 10ish and then wake up at 2am and 3am and struggle to get back to sleep.
My heart and chest area would feel so heavy and all the memories and realisation the relationship is over would come flooding back. It is often like this for people that have been cheated on and for the cheaters,
Where people describe that for a few seconds when they wake up in the morning they feel good and then reality hits, oh crap this has happened and they feel weighed down again and flooded with all the heavy emotions of sadness, guilt, anger, hurt, regret, and fear.
Many just want to get into bed, curl up in a ball and not move.
Now whilst what I have described so far is a natural and normal process if people are suffering with long-term grief, sadness, hurt, regret, frustration and not feeling good enough after several months have passed then I definitely recommend taking some action and doing something for yourself to help yourself.
Over the past 10 years I have been helping many people create a new life after a break-up, separation and divorce. The fastest way to help someone is through my 3 day holistic breakthrough session. I say holistic because we work with the conscious mind, unconscious mind that runs our thoughts, emotions and body, so it creates fast change for people rather than just simple talk therapy which rarely helps.
Some come because they have fallen into the habit of drinking alcohol each night after a break up and are feeling worse and worse about themselves. Or emotional eating and can’t help but munch away hoping to feel the void. Now they are having health problems as a result and hate looking in the mirror.
Others book it because they want to stop acting desperate. They find themselves dating and chatting to countless people at once, having one night stands and going out with anyone to prove they are attractive still. Their tried to fix the emptiness with other men or women and it leaves them feeling lower.
Some can’t stop pleading with their ex, begging them back and asking for another chance. They cannot resist messaging them and wishing things were different. Others struggle as there is no closure, issues were avoided, come because they want to accept, let go and move on without knowing. Overcome the fears they have over divorce and perceived stigma around it.
Most join the breakthrough program or join my holistic life therapist program because the break up has knocked their self-esteem and confidence. Where they feel that they are not good enough in bed, not smart, attractive or funny enough. Some have developed beliefs like “I’m unlucky in love and always will be” Or they believe that people will cheat on them or leave them. Some believe they have missed their chance to have children or get married, others believe that they won’t find love in the city they are in.
Lastly some book because they are unsure what direction to take their life in, whether they should change their life in a dramatic way or keep things the same. They want to know if they should move city, country, change career, make big purchases, sell all their assets, adopt a child, quit drinking, have plastic surgery, start a bunch of new hobbies, and they are so confused when they come. So, I support them to rediscover what they REALLY want and redefine some great goals that are right for them, at the right space and time.
So, now I am going to share with you today, how to get over rejection, a break up and over someone with my 7 tips.
#1 Stay Connected To Friends
Friends make us feel good. Every single week create the habit of choosing a coffee shop or restaurant that you have never been to and invite at least one friend to go with you. This will help you to create new memories in new places and friends are great for boosting our self-worth. It will also help you avoid places you used to go with your ex.
Be careful not to ask for their opinion. Instead ask them to listen and not share back ideally, as they may trigger things in you and that can send you into a downward spiral.
# 2 Avoid a rebound
So many people I support go into rebound relationships or rebound dating. Whilst it can make you quickly feel attractive or sexy it often doesn’t last long. Many also feel guilty. Guilty if they had a one night stand. Guilty if dating someone that is really into them and they are just playing along hoping to get the attention fix. Bad if they are being fake and are not being their true selves.
Many also feel needy and desperate checking the dating apps for validation or dating multiple people for a self-esteem fix.
When you make impulsive decisions (I know I did) they don’t go very well most of the time. Jumping into dating or another relationship is a way you are trying to avoid feeling hurt. However to get through a break up you need to acknowledge and deal with the hurt. Be willing to go into the pain and feel it. Of course if you are stuck in the pain, that is not good and that is why many people cheated on or going through a breakthrough program decide to work with me.
#3 When you review the relationship, review it realistically
I recently just finished a breakthrough 3 day intensive with a lady which is where we have a 2.5 hour session 3 days in a row. On the first day she said to me:
My husband cheated on me twice and still lied and kept in touch with the affair partner, the last 6 years of our 8 year relationship together were awful. I had to end the relationship because he is still in contact with her but I still love him. I’m angry that I still love him.
To which I replied you may love him but you are certainly were not and are not in love with the relationship you had.
She laughed out loud, common I said the last 6 years you said were awful, did you mean that. Yes she said we didn’t do any thing together, he would hide on his computer and behind the TV, I’d work long hours and we had a lot of resentment between us.
Right so when you think you love him what are you remembering?
The birth of our daughter, ok so is that love for him or the birth of your daughter? Wow yes it’s the birth of my daughter Chloe. Ok when you remember you love him what memories are you thinking of? Our wedding day, right and how long ago was that, over 7 years back? Yes,
She was not remembering the past 6 years of pain, she was remembering the positive events which would be positive for so many reasons like a wedding day, birth of a child etc or when he said such nice things to her in bed at the beginning of the relationship.
My point here is it can be easy when longing for things to be different to remember all the good times, all the positive moments. Are you forgetting to factor in the bad parts?
The day to day, not the romantic staycations and holidays. The times you perhaps ignored one another, or felt they didn’t care or were not interested in you. How attached to their phone they are and how that made you feel?
To help yourself get over a break up make it a point to introduce the negative stuff, because your mind may only be sharing with you the positive and this makes moving on harder. Keep the picture real.
#4 List Negative Traits
When asked: How to get over someone? how to get over a break-up? I often recommend people write a list of all the person’s negative traits. Again like the previous point, you might be remembering all the kind things they said and did for you or reminiscing on the way they touched and kissed you.
What about the times they hurt you, disappointed you, rejected you, were selfish?
Did they have any habits that drove you crazy? Were they at times uncaring, unkind?
Be honest with yourself here it will help you see that their probably is someone much better suited and better for you out there 😊
#5 What if process
I mentioned the what if’s many people had in the first part of the podcast. For most people the what if’s can be negative. As our minds can easily go into the what if’s why not do the what if process for the positive.
What if this is the best thing that has ever happened to me
What if I grow, learn and develop myself
What if I am an even better lover and romantic partner from this
What if I go on to meet the man / woman of my dreams
What if this was meant to be and the future will be amazing
What if this is a blessing in disguise
What if our children flourish and grow from this experience and benefit from more quality time with each of us
What if I can grow my finances even more now I am super focused alone
What if I learn the value of friendships and family more from this and appreciate life more
What if change my life from this and have the confidence to be who I am meant to be
What if I feel more joy, freedom and aliveness like I’ve never felt before
What if I do something MASSIVE I couldn’t do when in a relationship
I think you get the point here ha ha 😊 Can be anything
#6 Love Is Statement
This Love Is Statement really helped me so I hope it helps you – read it out loud or write it out and see it.
Love should not be forced, brought, chased or run after. Love is simply to be enjoyed.
#7 Boost your self-esteem
Working on your self-esteem is essential. As mentioned most people question their looks, sexual performance and if they are interesting enough as a partner.
So do things that make you feel good, both new and old hobbies. To help you I have reduced my self-confidence secrets course from $297 down to only $97 at the moment, for a limited period. It has 16 modules on how to really love yourself and move on after a break-up. It has a step by step guide to embracing a new life including how to release the past and feel better, how to become more confident, how to focus your attention so you can create more wealth, better health and enjoy all that life has to offer
And on top of that you get with it 30+ meditations for free, that help break unwanted habits, overcome procrastination, calm anxiety and help you attract a loving ideal relationship partner.
Check out my website www.nicolabeer.com and click on SHOP or email me for the link email@example.com
And if you are on FB why not join the relationship and wellness FACEBOOK GROUP – this is a community of people supporting one another to live their best life as well as people getting their most pressing relationship questions answered. Be great to see you in there and connect with you more personally 😊