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Mindset of a Cheater and Commitment Phobia


I’ve helped countless men and women through my 3 day breakthrough sessions overcome their cheating habits, lying habits and commitment issues.


I have noticed a pattern in the way that cheaters and those who fear commitment once married or in a serious relationship think.


Many of the couples I support come to me because some form of cheating has taken place. Unless the men and women with these issues change the way they think, unfortunately history can repeat itself. So, I have created this episode today to share with you the thoughts that can confuse and consume a person and lead to relationship breakdown or an affair.


For couples that want to save their relationship after an affair many want to understand why people cheat. Sometimes people do the individual breakthrough session with me to explore why they cheated and want to understand why when they love their husband or wife and want to be with them and keep their family together, did they risk it all.


So here is how it often starts.


Someone who cheats or has commitment issues often starts with a build up of negative thoughts about the relationship or their partner.


Here are the most common damaging thoughts about the relationship


Maybe they are not right for me

Maybe we are not well suited

Maybe there is too much lifestyle / cultural differences

Maybe I’d be happier on my own

I’m bored sexually

They are always angry all the time

They don’t say much

We are not having a good time in the relationship

We haven’t had any fun for a long time

They don’t really love me

They are cold and distant

Maybe they don’t find me attractive I’m always rejected by them


They don’t care about me

They never listen

I’m out of sight, out of their mind

They wouldn’t even notice if I was upset

They’re too consumed with their phone and work

All they care about is the children

I’m the one giving everything in this relationship

They don’t appreciate anything I’ve done



Or for some men and women they can feel that they are getting too much attention. That their partner is needy, too dependent on them where they may feel a bit controlled or suffocated. 


People that think like this and those questioning whether commitment is for them have thoughts like


What if I was single again and got to hang out with hot women / men

Am I really able to accept that I will only be having sex with the same person for the rest of my life?

What if there is someone I am better suited to?

What if I’m not marriage material

What if I’d be happier on my own?


These are examples of the seeds that a person can think before an affair about their partner and relationship. 


It may wake them up at night tossing and turning and feeling frustrated, trapped angry and resentful. 


If they approach their spouse with this negative or aggressive attitude which many do, whether sober or drunk, they end up pushing them further away.


Its easy to understand why, in the first category they want more love and attention, yet they are needy, critical, resentful and jealous which is a turn off. No one is attracted to someone with a negative attitude and sulking face. So very quickly their thoughts become their reality and the distance increases. The more they look for evidence that they are not loved they see it and it becomes a strong self-fulling prophecy. As their husband or wife does pull away from further. We all like to be around people that are positive, that lift our energy up and that make us feel good. Not drain our energy. Complaining creates a low mood for everyone in the home and both can then start to question the relationship.


The commitment scared and cheater’s thoughts when they do feel loved by their partner are different. There negative thinking will be more along the lines of I’ve changed, I’m no longer satisfied, I’m attracted to different people, I want freedom, I better work this out quickly so I don’t hurt my partner.


So if you are resonating with this and you want to know how to get back into your relationship or work out the best options for you, you need to STOP the negative thinking, see things as they are and TAKE ACTION first towards the relationship…


See if it can be fun, exciting and loving again. See if you can get the spark and connection back and this takes positive energy and the right actions.

If you don’t do this, here is what can happen


1, Someone comes along that takes an interest in you. They want to impress you, get your attention, they flirt with you and it goes too far. You have cheated, may once or it becomes an affair.


2, You convince yourself that cheating is helping the relationship. Many men share with me that they tell themselves by going to a massage with a happy ending / a prostitute they are helping as won’t be pressurising their wife. Or where men and women go out, get drink and have a one night stand.

3, You join a dating app and start chatting to multiple men and women, flirting, sexting, and end up meeting up with them or building an emotional relationship.






All of the above can be thrilling for a person at first, the energy of someone new, the excitement and in the moment most people don’t even consider their partner at the time.

The next day though the guilt can often hit them, remorse, feeling dirty and bad for what they have done.


Many have sleepless nights as the unconscious mind questions the behaviour. It can become hard to focus on the daily tasks, and to escape the guilt and negative thoughts the person often will come up with more negative thoughts about the relationship to justify their behaviour.


Some stop here and some will continue. The cycle repeats because the new sexual energy for some can be like a drug, they know it is wrong and bad for them and their relationship but they want more.  It makes them feel alive to be wanted and to want someone.


The thoughts are in conflict, the mind and body are in conflict and this drains a ton of energy. Throughout the day, over analysing and over thinking everything.


Of course cheating can happen in a great, loving connected relationship where the cheater goes through a crisis and uses cheating as an escape from reality, these type of cheaters tend to do it only once and are very remorseful.


The reason I am sharing all of this is because many cheaters don’t understand themselves why they act and the key point I am trying to make here is


Negative thinking is toxic in a relationship. Whether you are thinking they don’t love or care for me enough, this relationship is not good any more, I’m bored sexually etc etc and don’t do any positive actions – affairs can easily happen.


The question to ask yourself is – is my thinking supporting the relationship life you want or ruining it?

Is it bringing you closer together or further apart?


Any relationship counselling that doesn’t focus on clearing resentful, negative and angry thoughts are not doing justice for the couple. To affair proof a relationship you need to do more than be honest and rebuild trust.

That is why in my affair recovery audio program and 1 to 1 couples program,  there are exercises for each to do separately to clear the unhelpful thoughts.

It takes 2 to 3 hours to change the thinking and then after that loving actions can bring the couple closer together.


Many share with me, I am a positive person, I don’t have any resentments or negative thoughts and when they start the exercises they realise, wow I have many.

So here are some tips for you


1, Assess your thoughts, change them if they are making you miserable and get into some positive steps to make your relationship closer.


2, If you do need to bring some things up with your partner, be sure to talk in a calm, loving way.


3, Be the most attractive version of yourself to get attention from your partner if you feel this is missing


4, If you have cheated and your partner has given you the opportunity to save their relationship – do the following


Make regular heart-felt apologies 

Take responsibility 

Be positive 

Be patient

Show empathy and compassion

Be true to your word

Love without expectation 

Look after your health and well-being

Avoid self-pity

Get help if you feel depressed and guilt ridden

Focus on the outcome you want


Hope this has been useful. If you would like to read more about my affair recovery program, or my individual breakthrough process that can help people release the unwanted feelings and thoughts and get to the best version of themselves again quickly all details can be found on my website


Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!