1,Prioritize healthy habits
This is so essential basic but it is actually the basics we need most when we are going through emotional pain, stress and tension. By the basic healthy habits, I mean paying attention to getting enough sleep, drinking enough water and spending time spoiling yourself with self-love treatments at home. Healthy lifestyle habits like this can have a positive impact on a person’s mental well-being during what can be such an emotionally draining and confusing time. No matter how long ago you discovered the physical affair or emotional cheating your healing journey will not be an easy straight line of getting better each day. Most people I support go through extreme waves of sadness, disbelief, shock, pain, anger and unworthiness. By unworthiness I mean they feel ugly, unattractive, fat, boring, dull. They also question their own choices in life and love and wonder if they will ever be happy and at peace again.
2, Handling panic attacks – anxiety support after relationship insecurities
Panic attacks, poor sleep, waking up to terrors or feelings of rage can be the norm. For panic attacks, anxiety and insecurities after emotional cheating and physical affairs I do special meditations for overcoming cheating insecurities. As well as hypnotherapy to calm post affair cheating insecurities. As they often do not go away through talking therapy or CBT. Often the thoughts can seem so out of control they can plague a person day and night and even months later crop up again. The person can often feel like they will never be free from the past they may even wish to give up on their relationship completely as they have lost themselves. Because they have lost themselves they get so scared that they will never be able to see their husband or wife in the same way, never be able to trust, never be able to be happy or get a good night sleep. Of course this is the cheating insecurities in over drive, the panic as you are going through the unknown. Rest assured this can and does change provided you are willing to work on yourself and take certain steps to feel better.
3, Building Self-Confidence
Self-love, self-confidence and worthiness is so crucial for our happiness. If you lacked this before you discovered the cheating then for sure you will be experiencing terrible post affair insecurities. Even for those that are happy in their body and do feel good about themselves can suffer with getting over cheating insecurities.
I have a 16 module course on loving yourself that comes with 5 meditations to boost self-esteem and feel secure, safe and happy in a relationship after cheating. So it is something that would take up a whole lot more time to explain how to boost your confidence and make it last for you. For now I would say do these 3 things – listen to a meditation on self-love and confidence daily, I have a free one on my website you can download. I recommend you go get that and listen to it every day for 3 weeks and if you like it and are still having trouble getting over cheating insecurities and are willing to work on this with me, I can create one for you to reinstall peace of mind and boost your overall confidence. Another way to get some free support and this audio is to join the Relationship Advice, Tips and Strategies Facebook Group.
This is a free facebook community group where many people in the group share tools, tips and support others to have relationship happiness. Many have been or are going through difficult times so we all share tips, support and tools. I post videos and tips weekly and answer every single question people have inside the group.
4, Step out of your comfort zone
Another way to boost self-confidence other than reprogramming your mind with my meditations or tailored hypnotherapy tracks is to step out of your comfort zone. It is very easy to say to yourself well I will wait until I am more confident to do this or that.
I know I have been there
I used to say to myself – once I get over my fear of public speaking I will sign up for public speaking events and promote myself as a speaker and say yes to events. You see for 4 years in a row it was my New Year Resolution to get over my fear of public speaking, the problem with that is I did nothing about it, so again and again it plagued me. It was not until the November the year before that I thought, right I must get over this fear of public speaking before the year end. I created my own public speaking hypnotherapy and I felt better on the inside and then booked 2 events at restaurants in a mall where I invited everyone I knew to join and then said yes to another event and made myself start some youtube videos. It was hard at first I felt nervous but after I did it I felt amazing and my confidence grew I had changed. I have won over the fear and conquered it.
This year I am so happy to have overcome another fear that was weighing me down last year. Not sure if you know but my passion and hobby is dancing free-style to dance / house music and I created an ecstatic dance teacher training where I combine dance, breathwork and meditation. One of my biggest fears about running the free dance and meditation facebook group and events was that to match the US eastern and pacific time zones, or UK and Australian time zones. I would need to dance at 6pm, 8pm and 9pm and I worried no I will never be able to have the energy to run dance classes at that time. Then I thought well could try at 6am but that also seemed in possible. Now I realized this was just a limiting belief, I now run weekly dance classes at 6am my time and 8pm my time easily in the group so that people can dance with me online in many different time zones. Getting out my comfort zone by offering dances and meditations any time of day is so freeing. What can you do to build your confidence, what is totally outside your comfort zone. Was funny actually dancing last night a man who I worked with previously on saving his marriage joined us. Before he said back in April, dancing is not my thing and two weeks in a row now he has danced with the camera on. Hats off to you John. So what scares you? What would challenge you?
Some people I am supporting to break out of there comfort zone have chosen to give up alcohol, porn, all white lies, others are taking up painting and art work, setting up a youtube channel, training for triathlon – I follow the philosophy of Dream Big, Start Small. That’s what I do to avoid the overwhelm as I tend to want to Dream Big, Start Everything at once and then end up not being very successful. Part of the reason why I had to let my Instagram go to just a weekly post because my 2 facebook groups relationship and dance are the priority. and in the process of boosting confidence are simultaneously keeping their minds busy and also relieving post cheating insecurities and stress.
5, Redirect your energy
It can be easy to get stuck into feeling upset, angry and hopeless about the cheating and what this may mean for you and your relationship. Overthinking everything is extremely draining and the what if questions can plague your mind bringing your entire mood down. We all know how difficult it can be to shift something that is on our mind by telling ourself not to think about it. Or worse hear that same rubbish advice from others saying don’t think about it. It’s impossible right?
Of course, you are going to think about it, and if it was that easy to say oh yes I won’t think about it, people would not have any issues moving on after cheating. It would be simple. The fact is you are going to think about it – a lot at first. However for those I support it does become less and less. To help yourself now you can redirect your energy and thoughts around it to ask different questions like – how can I heal? What do I need them to say or do? How can I love myself more? What can we do to make the relationship stronger? What can I do to release this negative energy? What can I do to shift my energy?
A few months back I got very angry about the service I was being given by a interior design consultant. It was there 5th time being late and as I have back to back relationship coaching appointments being on time is essential for me. I also found the lady drinking on the job in the evening because I used to suffer with drinking and addictions and because I know she was going through a hard time, I let it go. But when the lateness happened again and I had waited for hours I became so angry that I could feel the surge of energy everywhere in my body. My mind was stuck in this negative loop. Self-pity mainly and I felt it was such toxic energy but it felt out of my control. I knew I had to do something to shift my energy so I went out into my garden and just started doing jump n jacks and screamed also at the top of my voice AAAARRHHHHHHHHHHHHH it felt so good. I felt so free AND the tension was gone. I do find screaming helpful once in a while, same with jumping. Most of the time however I do not need something as extreme as this, I can just listen to a mind calming hypnotherapy, journal, cry, or dance. Do whatever you need to shift your energy. What is the point in sharing this, if you cannot shift your mindset then release and shift your energy.
6, Identify your support system
It’s so important to know who you can turn to when you need them – for example, if you find yourself feeling low and needing a mood boost, who can you turn to? Who will listen without judgement?
When getting past cheating you may hear unhelpful comments like – your be fine, don’t worry, time will heal, everything happens for a reason,
This is unhelpful and sometimes irritating advice. Find people with positive solutions, who show compassion and share what is happening so they can check in on you to make sure you are doing okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your loved ones and say I need to talk or I’m feeling overwhelmed – keeping it in can mean those feelings get worse and leave you feeling worse.
7, Set yourself smaller goals whilst recovering and processing
Usually the hardest pressure we put on ourselves comes from us. You are not going to be perfect, heal over night and be happy and full of energy. So, take it easy on yourself. During the healing period set yourself less goals, take things off your plate and let go of expectations of how you should be feeling, acting and performing. Accept what is and go with the flow, being in the flow of life is so freeing. Do everything you can to reduce overwhelm and if you are feeling it is all too much, go and lie down.
8, Set some time aside to check in with yourself and feelings
Some people focus on keeping busy to recover from an affair and overcome cheating insecurities. This can often make the recovery process longer and harder as by avoiding your feelings or self-medicating with sleeping pills, alcohol, food and online shopping etc it can create more stress and tension at night. When you give yourself the space to feel your emotions and deal with them it can help you move on from difficult feelings straight away rather than let them linger.
For example: write down what you are feeling and what you can do to feel better through actions. Like talking to people you love, doing some self-care, creating a plan with your cheating spouse to rebuild the relationship through actions.
Something I talk more about in my relationship masterclass which I will be bringing very soon to the podcast show, so stay tuned for that.