Craving alone time? Learning from the increased divorce rate after coronavirus in China
The divorce rate increase after COVID – 19 in China suggests that alone time and solitude is important to a healthy marriage!
Solitude is a basic human need.. and yet people’s inherent appetite for solitude varies greatly. Some introverts (like me) can happily pass days without interacting with anyone and be at peace. Others feel like they are going crazy and right now I am working with 17 people who are separated and finding it extremely difficult processing the transition from living with their spouse to being alone.
Some we are focusing on actions to save their marriage with great success and others came to me because they wanted to start over, get support to work out what makes them happy, how to find happiness, fulfilment and protect themselves through the divorce, essentially how to deal with their ex and support to create a new life for themselves.
In the current environment with COVID-19 very few people living together are getting the alone time they crave right now and this is causing a huge fall out between couples.
The divorce rate after the coronavirus in China has rapidly increased and experts predict that the divorce rates in the US post Covid-19 will also rise when things begin to return to normal.
Before I go into how to create more alone time, let me first share why alone time is important – even if you are an extrovert. According to Belle Beth Cooper who did an extensive study into the link between creativity and alone time she concluded that:
You need more alone time because:-
You need to be alone to develop your abilities and be more creative.
Personal development and skill enhancement, Cooper found, is best done alone for improving skills and absorbing information.
Solitude is also a break from self-consciousness
Worrying what others think of us can be an endless distraction from more important concerns and a hefty drain on our mental resources.
Studies have also shown that brainstorming is often, best done alone according to Cooper.
Space gives people time to think and come up with innovative solutions to fix any problems. Whether those are work-related, or things to fix up in the home or marriage.
Self-transformation is probably the best and most profound outcome from solitude
Time to think and time away from others and technology can give you time to ponder on what is really important to you and what you want to experience that month, year or years ahead, without others’ input or expectations weighing on your thinking. As in solitude people are able to daydream and daydreaming and reflecting on one’s life and direction supports self-transformation according to various Psychologists.
Having alone time can enhance intimacy and fuel life
Meaningful alone time is a powerful need and necessary fuel in today’s fast-paced world. Indeed, solitude actually allows us to connect to others in a far richer way and maybe might explain why the divorce rates after COVID-19 have increased in China.
For many introverts and even extroverts alone time restores energy, the stillness of alone experiences provides us with much-needed rest and this can then enhance the intimacy. Many Psychologists will agree that time alone actually strengthens our attachments.
This is why many I help to create a new life after separation and support with online divorce counselling in Dubai and the US decide to go on week-long vacations to “find themselves”.
Many unsure whether to save their marriage or not, get my marriage audio program or online marriage counseling while they go off trips to contemplate ways to fix the marriage or whether to divorce, they do this alone and only come together for sessions when we feel it’s going to be productive to move forward one way or the other.
Tips to Avoid Divorce Rates After Coronavirus
In China couples complained about being around one another all the time. Given that many individuals and families together are not used to being around each other, creating some alone time right now is key.
For some being alone is associated with being bored or lonely. In fact, when the word “alone” was coined in medieval times, it referred to a sense of completeness in one’s own being, according to Ester Buchholz, a psychologist, and author of The Call of Solitude.
So how can you create alone time now with COVID 19 forcing social isolation and how to lower the risk of divorce after the coronavirus?
Mother nature gives aloneness a high priority: sleep is nature’s way of ensuring solitude. But given the rise in the number of sleep disorders, these days and the sale of drugs to keep people functioning on little sleep means that even the fundamental way to aloneness is in trouble.
It’s important when together in the space house all of you in the family have some time out, as it enriches relationships. This applies to you and the family. It’s essential to happiness and survival through these trying times. Maybe you have times where a certain zone of the house is your new space until a certain time?
One couple I worked with decided to carve up areas of the house for the morning from breakfast to lunch, they agreed not to all have separate areas of the house to do their own thing.
Another couple I supported have decided to take it in turns to give each other a lay until midday on the weekend, where one gets up with the children and the other has breakfast in bed and just chill’s.
Alone Time In Nature
Alone time is enhanced by experiences that put us in contact with nature. Throughout history, many of us who get tired of city life crave free space being in nature, for now that might be your garden or a walk if you are allowed out right now. If possible take it in turns to take a coffee break alone outside during the day or evening.
If possible, have time to connect nature in solitude, a daily habit right now whether you take it in turns to take a coffee break outside in the morning or evening.
A couple I am supporting right now with online marriage counseling are unable to escape their flat so with their essential groceries picked up some plants to give fresh energy in each room. They take it in turns to be alone in the new sanctuary they created.
Respect Spiritual Solitude
For those who have a relationship with God and those who meditate to connect to a power greater than themselves already practice most likely alone time to be in communication with God or spirit.
During this time of social distancing and isolation, it is important to keep up with your prayers and meditations or increase them to ensure calm amongst the chaos. Did you know that both monasteries and monks stem from the same Greek word, meaning “alone” or “single”?
Respecting each other’s need to pray and be alone with God is essential.
Studies into the Divorce Rates after coronavirus in China claim that too much time with one another caused problems so these are all important considerations to be aware of.
Smartphones, social media are an attempt to solve the problem of loneliness and to keep us connected. As we become more and more addicted to checking the news, scrolling Facebook, LinkedIn or Instagram it is important to take heed and acknowledge that whilst we may enjoy engaging online it is necessary to also have a break from it. To simply be and perhaps be a little bored or clear out the kitchen draw in peace.
Also everything right now we see is negative, negative news, people complaining and this can be draining. Protect what you allow your mind to feed on.
Alone In Trance
Trance dancing offers a unique kind of aloneness, which is why in Vinana (www.vinana.com) is growing in popularity. Dancing freely in your own world gives you inner peace and space to allow thoughts to come in. When we move our body synchrony to the rhythm both our heart, mind, and spirit can get into a trance where intuitive thoughts can come through. Before those dancing Vinana find they are in their own world. If we look at trance as a way to be both engaged and disengaged from social connections, then we can understand it as a clever way to regulate alone time and connection.
Join my Vinana Dance Party and Meditation FB group for free, I am giving daily dance classes each day, tips on how to manage stress and anxiety. >>CLICK HERE TO JOIN ME<<
“I can’t live with or without them” is the phrase often used to describe life with another—male or female.
The strain on couples to be all things to each other best friend, lover, co-parent, care-taker can be a challenge at the best of times. Now living 24/7 with one another in confined space can be very difficult if your expectations are conflicting. When considering the divorce rates after coronavirus in US, China and elsewhere it is crucial to discuss expectations.
In my online couples counseling, I have found that if you want to give each other the best chance of fulfilling all of your needs then for sure time out is essential. For great intimacy you need space.
After the first phase of ecstatic inseparableness, lovers feel a need to find themselves. And later individuals speak of a desire to break away from their loved ones. As an online marriage counselor, I hear an enormous longing to be alone coupled with anguish about separating. This is where you crave space and freedom, and peace but fear loneliness and being lonely.
Maybe you feel like that right now?
The key is to strike that balance, enjoyment together and enjoyment alone. Create a plan for this during this time.
As discussed creative solutions come to us in our alone time. As we need solitude for the subconscious mind to process and unravel problems. Yes, we get inspired by others, yes practice doing tasks enhances performance, but we need quiet time to figure things out, to emerge with new discoveries, to unearth original creative answers, makes sense right? So why don’t we have the courage to say give me space more?
Because so many of us take the need for space as a rejection. When it’s not solitude is a human need, a relationship needs.
Let’s learn from the divorce rate in China after Coronavirus and make room for space. If you have children be sure to give them space too.
In summary, the divorce rates after COVID-19 in China are a warning to the rest of the world to focus on their relationship. So do get in touch if you are having friction between you right now, you can book a free 20-minute breakthrough session on my website.
For couples, it is crucial to recognise that passion evolves in aloneness. If you are always together, always around desire can often diminish. The relief provided by solitude and quiet contemplation according to Solitude expert Ester Buchholz is inestimable, it’s essential for mental health.
It is important to also remember that love is not all there is to psychic well-being; work and creativity also sustain health.
Alone time is a great protector of the self and the human spirit. Time to practice mindfulness and self-awareness strengthens and supports us to be the best versions of ourselves we can be.
If you are considering some online marriage counseling right or wanting individual online counselling do feel free to get in touch with me or book a free online marriage counselling check out my website.
Nicola is a wonderful human 🤍 Thank you for helping me through my difficult time.Still living by your words and advice. I would definitely recommend anyone needing relationship counseling to try Nicola :)
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
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