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How to handle common relationship conflict resolution

Our partner is often the most important person in the world to us. They’re who we confide in, go to for advice, and (in some cases) the individual who we begin to start planning a family with.

This intense closeness is wonderful. Unfortunately, it can also mean emotions are higher and more intense on the occasions when you clash or when relationship conflict arises.

The longer you’ve been with someone, the more frequent these fights tend to become. This often happens because people don’t learn how to deal with relationship conflict in a healthy way.

Eventually, couples who do nothing to fix the relationship conflict find themselves arguing more than agreeing. As Direct Line pointed out in a recent study, a staggering 7.6 million people in the UK admitted they only stayed together for the sake of the kids (source). A damning indictment of how the conflict in a relationship can get wildly out of hand.

Today, let’s run over five of the most effective ways for relationship conflict resolution. Employing these methods could make a huge difference in preserving a healthy relationship for a lifetime.

1. Talk about how you feel

Don’t be afraid to be as open as possible. Sometimes we shy away from exposing too many of our inner demons. This is a natural defense mechanism, and can actually be quite useful when it comes to most day-to-day interactions.

However, this approach should not be adopted when it comes to someone we’re deeply romantically invested in. Your partner needs to know how you’re feeling, or else there’s going to be a huge barrier in their understanding.

If they don’t know what’s troubling you, how are they going to begin resolving the conflict?

2. Be direct, but soft

Along a similar theme, make sure you’re as direct about your issues as you can be. That doesn’t mean savagely tearing into your other half. Being blunt doesn’t necessarily mean mentioning every grizzly detail. For example, you don’t need to mention that a particular action has made you question the relationship altogether.

Just be clear about the problems you’re experiencing, preferably giving specific examples to make it easier for your partner to understand what you’re talking about when dealing with conflict resolution.

It’s important they comprehend exactly what you’re saying. While pulling your punches might seem like the kinder approach, it could lead to confusion and unresolved turmoil further down the line.

3. Take their point of view seriously

Humans are, by their very nature, self-centred. We’re taught from an early age that while it’s important to care for others, we should ultimately be looking out for ourselves. That, coupled with the inability to ever really know what someone else is thinking, is what makes adopting someone else’s point of view incredibly difficult.

The Harvard Business Review provides a guide on how to do this from a more clinical perspective – but the same principles apply to a romantic union.

The key here is putting yourself in the shoes of your partner, and working out how you would feel if you were being spoken to or treated in the same way. You might not be acting with any malice, but swapping roles could potentially highlight how something you’ve said or done might have accidentally upset them.

4. Choose your battles

Not everything needs to turn into relationship conflict. While it’s impossible to sit here and measure what does or doesn’t warrant being brought up (after all, different people have different priorities), really think about what you’re arguing over.

For example, a dispute about what to watch on television probably isn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Whereas one person constantly ignoring the emotional needs of the other is slightly more of a pressing issue.

5. Don’t get personal

Resorting to personal attacks (on either your partner or the relationship as a whole) is a dangerous tactic to adopt. Psychology Today actually highlights this behaviour as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in a relationship.

They advise avoiding using definitive terms like “always” and “never” when discussing your partner’s actions. They also suggest explaining why you’re unhappy about something without ever placing blame on your other half.

These relationship advice snippets are all focused on what you can do. But remember, your partner also needs to adopt a different approach to conflict. Talk them through your new approach, and even point them in the direction of this blog if you feel it helped.

If you would like to explore what the relationship and transformation programs look like you can book a free 30-minute consultation with Nicola Beer by clicking here or email me nb@nicolabeer.com

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!
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