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In this article we will be exploring cheating addiction and sex addiction and in other articles what a / cheating / sex addict can do to help themselves, what the person cheated on, betrayed can do to support you through this devastating time.
Addiction comes in many forms. Some people are addicted to substances or alcohol. Others can also be addicted to shopping, gambling, relationships, exercise or the internet and social media. Over the past 10 plus years I have noticed that cheating on a spouse can also become an addiction. I have worked with men and women who are addicted to online sexting, where they pick up their phone any time they feel lonely, bored, tired, stressed and it feels that gap and it boosts their self-esteem. They get a high and then repeat the behavior again and again, despite being caught, despite loving their partner and wanting to hold on to their marriage they find an uncontrollable urge to get attention and get that high from sexting someone else and feeling desired or “alive” as one woman put it. Other men I have supported to break free have found themselves addicted to seeing prostitutes or porn. Where again, they know it is wrong and often feel guilty after but once that regret wears off, they get stuck in the same cycle like a drug addict or binge drinking alcoholic. Eric was having an affair with a woman in his office, he would book a hotel and they would meet up and have sex and then leave, he said he would feel horrible after and would tell himself this needs to stop but after a few weeks, they would end up sexting again, boosting each other’s ego and repeated the pattern. Eric deeply loved his wife and 3 children, he couldn’t understand why he was doing it and wanted to get to the root of the behaviour so he could stop it and give his wife an explanation. He booked the breakthrough program with me and we were able to uncover exactly what was behind his compulsion to the other woman.
Caroline was in a similar cycle, she would go to great lengths to get male attention, she would flirt like crazy, wear revealing clothes, talk openly about her sexual desires, give out compliments to the men around her and engage in texting them. She never had sex with them, but talked about what it would be like and sent semi-naked photos to them. She, like many cheating addicts,craved attention and to be desired. In my experience working with porn addiction, sex addiction and cheating addiction their is always a deeper need it is filling, a void, an emptiness, a sense of not being wanted or good enough.
This needs to be healed and cleared and then after that new strategies and plans put in place. Out of the 70 plus people who have done my breakthrough intensive for cheating addiction or porn or sex addiction nearly all of them experienced rejection, neglect, abandondment, heavy crictism or abuse as a child. Be it from parents, other family members or other kids at school. That is whyI believe so many cheaters struggle to identify why they cheat, they can’t answer that question because it is often an unconscious defensive mechanism to get attention and validation from others that has been a hard wired response since the person was young.
Dr Gabor Mate, a global expert on addiction, has worked in the field for decades, he states that all addictions are a reaction to other underlying problems in someone’s life. Dr Mate believes that childhood trauma lies at the root of addiction. Putting our maladaptive behaviours in the context of early childhood is more useful than labelling someone as having an “addictive personality”. An alcoholic, workaholic, unwell or busy parents can have a massive impact on a person’s psyche. Abandonment in early childhood is a trauma which creates low-self esteem in children. This early hurt manifests itself in several ways including addiction to fill a gap in their young lives. In that way, low self-esteem is a major driver of cheating and sex addiction.
Indulging in the addictive behaviour of choice brings temporary relief from pain or loneliness but is harmful in the long run because the person can’t give it up. He asserts that the type of addiction is not the issue, rather than focus on the addiction, look at and examine why the pain? What pain has the person gone through to become addicted to using cheating, sex or porn as an escape, a way to get a high, a way to be validated.
Every single one 100% of the 70 plus people with a cheating addiction that did my breakthrough intensive one to one program with me had a people pleasing personality trait. They needed to be liked, please others and avoided conflict.
Sexual abuse is sadly often a trigger to sex addiction and cheating addiction. That person believes I am wanted for my body, my body pleases others, my body is a way to get attention, this becomes normal and they use their body to be seen. I have helped both men and women break this cycle, sadly they often blame themselves for being bad, rather than seeing they didn’t have a choice, it was done to them and they adapted beliefs and ways to cope. They didn’t choose to be the way they are and self-forgiveness is needed.
2 Others I have worked with have had an amazing childhood but seen their parents cheat and lie or have many sexual partners and it becomes accepted as normal.
For some cheating addiction can come from first, second or third relationship heartbreaks, being cheated on, rejected sexually, left for another person, damages self-esteem. These people can end up repeating what was done to them, in future relationships. Sometimes as an unconscious revenge, sometimes because they believe it will happen again, so they will do it and sometimes because of their shattered low self-esteem and the need to be seen, desired and wanted by others.
For us who lived in chaotic homes, drama, shouting, screaming, a parent who was jekyll and hyde, so you never knew what you were going to get can find ourselves creating drama in our lives. If you don’t feel comfortable in peace, if sitting still is unpleasant for you, it could be a sign you are addicted to excitement and distraction. Not all of course cheat but some do to create more chaos in their head and heart.
