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In this article we will be exploring cheating addiction and sex addiction and in other articles what a / cheating / sex addict can do to help themselves, what the person cheated on, betrayed can do to support you through this devastating time.




Addiction comes in many forms. Some people are addicted to substances or alcohol. Others can also be addicted to shopping, gambling, relationships, exercise or the internet and social media. Over the past 10 plus years I have noticed that cheating on a spouse can also become an addiction. I have worked with men and women who are addicted to online sexting, where they pick up their phone any time they feel lonely, bored, tired, stressed and it feels that gap and it boosts their self-esteem. They get a high and then repeat the behavior again and again, despite being caught, despite loving their partner and wanting to hold on to their marriage they find an uncontrollable urge to get attention and get that high from sexting someone else and feeling desired or “alive” as one woman put it. Other men I have supported to break free have found themselves addicted to seeing prostitutes or porn. Where again, they know it is wrong and often feel guilty after but once that regret wears off, they get stuck in the same cycle like a drug addict or binge drinking alcoholic. Eric was having an affair with a woman in his office, he would book a hotel and they would meet up and have sex and then leave, he said he would feel horrible after and would tell himself this needs to stop but after a few weeks, they would end up sexting again, boosting each other’s ego and repeated the pattern. Eric deeply loved his wife and 3 children, he couldn’t understand why he was doing it and wanted to get to the root of the behaviour so he could stop it and give his wife an explanation. He booked the breakthrough program with me and we were able to uncover exactly what was behind his compulsion to the other woman.




Caroline was in a similar cycle, she would go to great lengths to get male attention, she would flirt like crazy, wear revealing clothes, talk openly about her sexual desires, give out compliments to the men around her and engage in texting them. She never had sex with them, but talked about what it would be like and sent semi-naked photos to them. She, like many cheating addicts,craved attention and to be desired. In my experience working with porn addiction, sex addiction and cheating addiction their is always a deeper need it is filling, a void, an emptiness, a sense of not being wanted or good enough.






This needs to be healed and cleared and then after that new strategies and plans put in place.  Out of the 70 plus people who have done my breakthrough intensive for cheating addiction or porn or sex addiction nearly all of them experienced rejection, neglect, abandondment, heavy crictism or abuse as a child. Be it from parents, other family members or other kids at school. That is whyI believe so many cheaters struggle to identify why they cheat, they can’t answer that question because it is often an unconscious defensive mechanism to get attention and validation from others that has been a hard wired response since the person was young.




Dr Gabor Mate, a global expert on addiction, has worked in the field for decades, he states that all addictions are a reaction to other underlying problems in someone’s life. Dr Mate believes that childhood trauma lies at the root of addiction. Putting our maladaptive behaviours in the context of early childhood is more useful than labelling someone as having an “addictive personality”. An alcoholic, workaholic, unwell or busy parents can have a massive impact on a person’s psyche. Abandonment in early childhood is a trauma which creates low-self esteem in children. This early hurt manifests itself in several ways including addiction to fill a gap in their young lives. In that way, low self-esteem is a major driver of cheating and sex addiction.


Indulging in the addictive behaviour of choice brings temporary relief from pain or loneliness but is harmful in the long run because the person can’t give it up. He asserts that the type of addiction is not the issue, rather than focus on the addiction, look at and examine why the pain? What pain has the person gone through to become addicted to using cheating, sex or porn as an escape, a way to get a high, a way to be validated.


Every single one 100% of the 70 plus people with a cheating addiction that did my breakthrough intensive one to one program with me had a people pleasing personality trait. They needed to be liked, please others and avoided conflict. 




Sexual abuse is sadly often a trigger to sex addiction and cheating addiction. That person believes I am wanted for my body, my body pleases others, my body is a way to get attention, this becomes normal and they use their body to be seen. I have helped both men and women break this cycle, sadly they often blame themselves for being bad, rather than seeing they didn’t have a choice, it was done to them and they adapted beliefs and ways to cope. They didn’t choose to be the way they are and self-forgiveness is needed.


2 Others I have worked with have had an amazing childhood but seen their parents cheat and lie or have many sexual partners and it becomes accepted as normal.



For some cheating addiction can come from first, second or third relationship heartbreaks, being cheated on, rejected sexually, left for another person, damages self-esteem. These people can end up repeating what was done to them, in future relationships. Sometimes as an unconscious revenge, sometimes because they believe it will happen again, so they will do it and sometimes because of their shattered low self-esteem and the need to be seen, desired and wanted by others.


For us who lived in chaotic homes, drama, shouting, screaming, a parent who was jekyll and hyde, so you never knew what you were going to get can find ourselves creating drama in our lives. If you don’t feel comfortable in peace, if sitting still is unpleasant for you, it could be a sign you are addicted to excitement and distraction. Not all of course cheat but some do to create more chaos in their head and heart.

Mila TutorMila Tutor
07:10 25 Mar 23
I have worked with Nicola for some time now and have found her to be compassionate, kind, and extremely helpful. She has helped me a lot.
Riti SajitRiti Sajit
06:58 25 Mar 23
Nicola is a wonderful human 🤍 Thank you for helping me through my difficult time.Still living by your words and advice. I would definitely recommend anyone needing relationship counseling to try Nicola :)
Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!