There are so many reasons why someone has an affair, but the reality is, regardless of why an affair is happening or has happened the aftermath can be extremely damaging to any individual and marriage.
It can be easy to lose yourself in a bubble of turmoil, wondering why your husband or wife turned to someone else but even harder if the affair has been happening for a longer period of time – you may begin to start questioning yourself – ‘Why didn’t I realise sooner?’ ‘When did he/she start this affair?’ ‘What did I do wrong?’. Although there is only one person who can answer your questions, it may be difficult for you to have a conversation with your husband or wife because they don’t want to talk about it and expect you to move on or they are trying to protect you by sparing you the details. What they often don’t understand is that your mind anyway is scrambling for answers and without a response your end up making your own conclusions which can be even worse than that has happened or very self-attacking.
I’ve had men have hair transplants, women have plastic surgery on their face, breast area, and liposuction. So, it’s important to get the right support if your self-confidence has taken a dive.
It is important to remember that it is often not the affair that ends the marriage, it’s the lying after, the lack of compassion and effort put in after or the insecurities developed after an affair that cause the problems and battles.
If you have become a version of yourself you don’t like where you constantly want to check up on your spouse, are jealous when they are out, are having negative images or thoughts regularly then I have calming meditations to support you and you can also get my self-confidence self-esteem boosting meditation on my website for free.
If you find yourself feeling shattered by their affair, angry, tired, lonely, worried and confused this episode and article is for you. If you need more support then I have my affair recovery program listed on my website which includes: my save the marriage course, a self-confidence and self-love course (self-love is not about going to the salon and eating healthy meals it is about actions you take to really love yourself. This can help you discover with actions if your marriage can be resolved, how to stop hurting yourself and the marriage and give you greater clarity on what to do.
It has also helped 1000’s of people now save their marriage or whether to make that difficult decision to move on.
Firstly, you need to take some time to process and move through your emotions. It is so important that you allow yourself to feel the emotions you are feeling – it’s natural to feel hurt, rejected, unattractive, betrayed and angry, but what you want to do is use these emotions to guide you on your next steps. Give yourself time to understand what has happened and during this time you can write down your feelings if it helps – how it’s made you feel finding out about the affair and what you what to happen that day, hour or minute. I say that because the mistake I see women and men make all the time is they try to work out what to do and what they want after discovering an affair right away. It’s not that easy or simple to just decide in the few days and weeks after. It’s far too draining, emotional and overwhelming to put yourself under that pressure. I often say to those I see who are consumed with racing thoughts, anger and sadness do you really need to decide now?
Take the pressure off yourself, give yourself time to assess how you feel, time to see your partner’s actions before making a decision.
Then once you have taken time to figure out what you are feeling, you will most likely find you have a number of questions you want to ask your partner before deciding what you would like to do next. Write these questions down and set a time and place where you will feel most comfortable to have this conversation with your partner. Some people find it better to have these kinds of conversations somewhere neutral, or with an online marriage counseling and coaching specialist, others opt for an audio program where the couple sit together to work on their marriage after discovering an affair. Some want to speak to a affair recovery specialist alone to explore more what is best for them and also to assess and discuss how children can be affected (I have all options on my website if you would like to read more then visit nicolabeer.com)
Choose whatever works best for you.
It is important at this stage for you to find out where the affair is currently standing – is your partner still engaging with the other person and are they willing to end the affair to help restore your marriage?
Are they willing to do what it takes? Are you willing to do what it takes?
Or are you heart-broken because they don’t want to be with you anymore and you want to save it but are not sure how to save it on your own?
One of the hardest things when it comes to how to fix a marriage after an affair is when the cheating husband or cheating wife is unclear on what they want. When they cannot let go or will not let go of the affair partner.
This can be like a even more deeper wound seeing your loved one upset, angry annoyed that they need to give up the affair partner. I have helped many confused men and women who find themselves in love with two people.
I have another episode on this for those people confused if they are in love with two people, it’s an area I offer a lot of online marriage counseling and coaching on. How to decide and free the other person.
It’s extremely hard if the man or woman you love is in love with two people.
Whilst you may wish to turn a blind eye, it is important for you to know all the true facts of the affair so that you know what steps to take next.
As I mentioned earlier, people have affairs for a number of reasons and if a deep connection has been formed it will be more difficult to leave the other person. It is better for you to know exactly how your husband or wife feels about the other person, as difficult as it may be to hear, because it will tell you exactly what you are dealing with. If someone is willing to end an affair and work on your marriage you know there are steps you can take in getting over an affair, however, if they cannot leave the other person then it gives you two options – stay and work on the marriage with an expert who will guide you step by step into repairing the marriage and ruining the affair. I call this fight.
The second option is flight to leave and work on creating a new life, rediscovering what makes you feel happy and alive again. The thing you want to avoid is freeze. Many Psychologists and behavioural experts talk about fight or flight, when actually there is a third response to emotional events and triggers and this is freeze. When people stay too long stuck, frozen they can lose themselves and also let the marriage fall apart further. Freezing for some can be falling into depression, over sleeping to avoid life or over eating. If you use food to reward, punish and process your emotions, you are not alone; do check out my full podcast show called emotions and eating with Nicola Beer on all the major podcast platforms. It has around 50 episodes to help you change your habits with food.
If they tell you that they are willing to work at the marriage but cannot end the affair – you have to make the decision or whether you are going to fight for your marriage or if you need to walk away from the pain and the hurt this affair is causing. Only you can make this decision. You may also suggest they talk it through as it is highly likely they cannot make that decision because they are confused and need support with it.