Getting Past Anger After An Affair / Getting Past The Affair – Online Marriage Counseling

The most common questions I get in my online marriage counseling is

“how do I get past the affair?”

“is getting past the affair possible?”

“how can you get past an emotional affair?”

When I ask more questions: What is stopping you from getting past the affair?” I typically get the response that they feel unbearable anger, hurt and rage. Discovering your husband or wife has had an affair is like being on an emotional rollercoaster out of control: affairs cause all kinds of emotions from confusion, to anger, hatred, sadness, anxiety and fear.

The feelings of anger and hatred can be so strong after the affair that you are filled with bitterness and want revenge.

Often these feelings are so strong that they shock the person who has them. Many husbands and wives anger after their spouse has cheated on them say to me that they cannot imagine getting past the affair because of the anger they feel. Some feel they have dealt with it, but then it comes out when they are tired, hungry, lonely or drunk.

Helping people become free from the anger and truly forgive is a process I guide those whose husband or wife has cheated on them through. After the affair support in online marriage counseling has to cover how to get past anger and rebuilt trust when repairing after the affair. As resentment kills passion and carrying the anger is painful to live with and it’s damaging to our health. Hate can be something we want to hold on too because it stops us from feeling the sadness and facing the pain beneath it.

Getting past the affair and anger comes first from a decision to forgive and let go. In order to make this decision a person must first decide that they want to let go of the anger. To see the damage that the harbouring the anger inside is causing and how it can burden health and life in so many ways.

It also if not dealt with can certainly damage the relationship if you want to stay in the marriage or not after the affair. If you want the marriage to work out and become even happier than ever before and use the experience to form a closer bond it definitely needs to subside. If you want to have a peaceful divorce for you and any children then you also need to be civil and let it go. However the main benefit of getting past anger is for you.

The key thing I say when someone says to me “I don’t know how to get past my anger” is you don’t need to know how to get past the anger yet, a willingness and intention is all that is required.

Once you have made a decision you want to let go of the anger after the affair you can begin the process below or contact me on if you are suffering.

Often people will want to buy some marriage counseling books, the truth is most marriage counseling books will not help somebody to release anger and resentment after the affair. Instead they focus on generic topics like having a date night and listening more. This does not help a couple focused on getting past the affair.

Process on how to get past anger

Once you have made a decision to let go of anger it’s essential that you first feel it.

Accept it, welcome it, experience it.

Feel the pain rather than denying it exists or trying to escape using a destructive coping mechanism like emotional eating, alcohol, drugs, over working or other self-defeating behaviors.

We can only let go of something we bring to the surface and feel the feeling.

All hatred and anger are signs we are hurting.

As behind anger is either fear or sadness

Fear and anxiety and worry about the future after the affair is the most common reason women and men hold on to their anger. It’s an intense fear that they may be cheated on again.

The biggest fears I hear are:

How to know if they will cheat on me again?

Is it true once a cheater always a cheater?

Can a marriage survive infidelity?

Will I be able to ever trust them again?

Am I being a fool or mug?

Is getting past the affair possible?

If I get better will they leave me?

Do they really love and want me?

How can I trust they love me and want me now after the affair?

Will I be able to get past the anger?

Feeling sad, disappointed and hurt after the affair is usually always present too. As discovering an affair can cause confusion, loss of trust, shattered dreams and pain. In the online marriage counseling I offer the people I support are often still processing the shock of the affair. Many never ever thought that an affair would never happen to them, and this makes them question their whole relationship.

They question if their husband or wife ever loved them, if they find them attractive, if they are staying for the children or because of guilt.

When women and men ask me to help them how to get past the anger after the affair.

I explain to them that anger is healthy, a natural and normal expression to a real or perceived threat. In the case of an affair the threat is real and therefore feeling anger is inevitable.

Expressing your anger is also beneficial to psychological health. That is why in the online marriage counseling I run I make sure that both in the couple get to express any resentment, anger, frustrations individually so that they can let go and feel good. This quote sums up how normal anger is:

“Anger is the feeling that says No to opposition, injury, or injustice. It’s a signal that something I value is in jeopardy.” David Richo, PhD How to Be an Adult – one of the best marriage counseling books

So how to express anger after the affair?

Anger is expressed actively when we show it directly. This could be raising your voice, changing a facial expression or through angry hand gestures or any display of displeasure. These are natural and can be shown to a person or done in private. It’s a healthy way to feel anger, express it, so you can let anger go.

Anger can also be expressed passively. This means where you still feel angry towards your husband or wife that cheated but don’t admit and show it in other ways. Like refusing to cooperate, being absent or withdrawn, rejection, silent treatment. This is not an adult way of getting past anger after the affair as it often makes the relationship far worse. You cannot rebuild trust and love in your marriage after the affair if you are rejecting or attacking one another.

David Richo, PhD sums it up well in the following statements about anger based on his 25 year plus history:

“Strongly expressed anger is called rage.

Strongly held in anger is called hate.

Unexpressed anger is resentment.

Anger unconsciously repressed and internalized… becomes depression i.e anger turned inward.”

So when I help people after an affair to let go of anger, we discuss how to express it in a way that doesn’t harm themselves, the relationship and enables them to let it go.

It’s better to express the anger than be in rage, depression, resentment or hate.

Some people claim “I want to get past my anger,” yet they are also scared to let it go. As it can seem like a false form of protection, or they may want to punish and take revenge and interestingly because anger releases adrenaline into our bodies, it can feel good and therefore we can become addicted to getting angry. But this is not real anger this is drama!

Drama is where we avoid the real feeling of anger and play out a drama. Where we can cling to the negative excitement of anger, rather than responsibly expressing. Therefore; we get caught in the surge of power and drama of the affair as opposed to and releasing it. Being in drama makes it difficult to get past the anger and get past the affair.

Anger is definitely part of the healing process, so we don’t want to hide it, suppress it or deny it either.

Anger is not the problem as discussed about it’s the way it is expressed and held that causes problems.

Forgiveness is needed to get past an affair and let go of anger:

In order to completely let go of anger after an affair we need to recognize that

1. People who are hurt, hurt others.

2. When we are hurting we are more likely to hurt others.

Remember only hurt people hurt people, this doesn’t not mean that it’s your fault or that getting past an affair is easy.

Getting past the affair and anger after the affair is:

  1. Work on healing our own hurt with self-love, compassion and patience and accept all of our feelings. Allowing our questioning to come up but not obsessing over it.
  2. Having compassion for the person who has hurt us, seeing that beneath them hurting us their was (more than likely) pain like low self-esteem, wanting to escape life and responsibilities, feeling undesired, unwanted, etc that led to the hurt.
  3. This is in NO WAY condoning behavior it is simply being aware that – hurt people hurt. Whether that pain was from their childhood, past, the relationship or other areas in their life, pain was behind their hurtful and selfish actions.

When we can get to compassion and acceptance we can live freely and make decisions that will best support ourselves and our future goals and dreams.

Sometimes people think “no way am I going to see them with kindness or compassion, how dare they do this to me, screw them, I’m furious and they deserve to suffer for what they have done.”

Which I totally get, betrayal is awful; but one thing I always ask is

“Is holding on to that pain working for you?”

“Are you being the person you know you really are and want to be?

“Is it making you feel happier each day.”

“Is It helping you to have the marriage you want?”

The truth is, if we want to let go of the pain then we must take the steps to heal and free ourselves from it.

I run online anger management and anger management in Dubai and there are many ways to release anger:

Including physical movement (check out my dance therapy page) and exercising to destress and move the anger through you. Another great way I use myself and with clients is bashing out the feeling to really release it from the body. I do this by bashing I mean taking a bat or boxing glove and bashing a pillow to release it from your body.

Sometimes it is necessary and appropriate to express your anger and other deep feelings in non-aggressive ways to your partner. I help many people to find the best thing to say at the right time that can support them and the relationship. Focusing on asking for what you need rather than going over the past.

Some benefit from talking to friends, which is great if your friends can remain unbiased and unattached to your decisions on what you decide to do for you and your relationship. Everyone has an opinion about affairs and may not be objective, so bare that in mind when picking the person to ask. In fact that’s often the biggest reason people seek online marriage counseling and marriage counseling books, because the advice they are getting is doing more harm than good.

If you are searching for a local or online marriage counseling or you want to know about my couple counseling Dubai, Abu Dhabi, Sharjah Riyadh and Jeddah do feel free to contact me.

Hypnotherapy and meditations I create for people can also be a very fast and effective way to getting past the affair do contact me for more information.

Lastly there is the most important piece in beginning the forgiveness process after the affair is being willing to forgive. Forgiveness is a process, it’s not like a light switch you turn on and then you never feel anger or pain again, with steps it does lessen.

Just remember that nothing changes with time, nothing changes if you don’t take some form of steps to support you. All time does is pass. It’s actions within that time that counts.

One step you might like to take is to download my free e-book 7-Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage – it has weekly supportive emails to help you transform your relationship you can get it here another thing you may like to do is to book a call with me.

I focus on helping couples get over the affair quickly and feel close and be happy again. I do not go over the past again and again because it doesn’t help couples. The best online marriage counseling and marriage counseling books focus on actions, moving forward, releasing the past and creating connection.

If you are unsure about what you want, if your confused, fed up and don’t know what to do then it could be because you are overwhelmed with emotions or completely numb. Get in touch if you would like to hear about how I can guide you to make that crucial decision for yourself.

From my heart to yours, Nicola

P.S Levels of anger and resentment has been proven to affect our health and happiness, we literally pay for our lives with anger. You deserve better than that, who wants to live a life half lived? Take advantage of my free 20 minute online marriage counseling call or if you are seeking couples counseling Dubai get in touch to visit my office.

Nicola Beer offers anger management therapy, couples counselling and anxiety treatment Dubai and online. Her couples counselling is for couples or individuals looking how to fix a marriage. She also offers divorce and family support including divorce mediation and divorce counseling, do contact her to find out more about how she might be able to guide you – +971 50 94 54 233