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Dating Tips – Understanding and Avoiding Chameleon Daters

Nicola Beer is a counselor in Dubai offering depression treatment in Dubai, anxiety therapy in Dubai and individual counseling in Dubai

 

As a Dubai counsellor offering individual counseling in Dubai for breakups and dating. I regularly support clients who display signs of being a chameleon dater – a person who changes their views, thoughts, routines, opinions, etc to mirror their partner’s. I remember one client who was struggling with this, I’ll call him Michael.

 

Michael was looking for an anxiety therapist in Dubai, he was suffering in his relationship because he was struggling to commit to a long-term relationship, not because he was scared of commitment, but because he was finding it hard to know who he was and what he wanted . he Also occasionally felt depressed and also considered depression treatment in Dubai.  

 

Every time he got into a relationship with someone, he couldn’t express his own opinions or views and dropped all of his interests – he started taking on the person he was in a relationship with.

 

In the beginning he loved making the other person happy, and all the women he had dated loved the fact that Michael was so submissive and so in tune with what they said. He was tuning in to all their social and personal cues so that he could transform into the person they would want him to be. This was what the women mistook as him being so good at listening and attentive.

 

As time went on, he got tired and frustrated of being someone else. This is so natural for a chameleon dater to do because after a while it’s distressing constantly being someone else 24/7 – living a life where no one truly knows you because you are stuck in the habit of wanting others approval and people pleasing. At the core it is often a fear of rejection. Where a person wants to belong so much that they don’t share their own feelings, views, and opinions/ interests. Then Michael would get fed up and start to doubt if he liked the other person and their way of life and then all of a sudden end the relationship cold. Chameleon daters tend to go from one person to the next. Some feel confused, low or stuck and have sought anxiety therapist dubai, counselling in dubai or depression treatment in dubai.

 

With all clients that I work with, I like to help them explore potential root causes to their behaviour because often, it is easy to say I want to overcome it, I’ll stop people pleasing, I’ll start to be honest, share my truth, stick up for myself and what I believe in. However, in most cases there is an underlying issue needing attention. In the breakthrough process I help people get to the root core of their lying, pretending, lack of confidence and assertiveness to be free to have healthier happier relationships.

 

Here are some reasons why people become chameleon daters I see in the counseling in Dubai I offer –

  • They have low self-esteem and so they have what I would call a lesser defined personality. When a person has low self-esteem or lesser defined personality, it is easier to take on another person’s lifestyle in the hopes that it will cover up their insecurities. It helps to shift the focus off them and onto other people.

 

  • They are people pleasers. They always want others to feel good because they like the feeling of making others feel/look good – even if this is at the expense of their own feelings. Often people who people please, have been through something that has made them feel insecure about themselves so they constantly seek validation from others and chameleons realise they can do this by morphing to what others want.

 

  • They may see things in their partner that they desire in their own lives so they decide to mimic their partner in order to seek the same outcomes. For example, if their partner is enjoying studying a university degree, they may seek the same enjoyment and do the same thing instead of figuring out what would make them happy.

 

In Michaels case, he signed up for an intensive breakthrough session which is designed for people looking for an anxiety therapist dubai and depression  who want to transform their life in a short space of time by getting right to the root cause of any worries. Through guided exploration, he was able to identify what he was seeking when he was dating women who he had to change for and what he could do to reframe his thoughts and change the way he approached dating.

 
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One of the biggest things in successful relationships is being confident in yourself and what you like/dislike so that you can find mutual ground with your partner, but also respect the differences you have.

 

 

  1. Set your own goals in life – Once you have figured out what makes you happy, you can figure out a life plan. Set the goals you want to achieve – both professionally and personally. What drives you? What makes you excited about life? What do you want to be remembered as? What do you want to accomplish in your life?

 

  1. Try new things – If you are so used to pleasing others, you may find it hard to know what you like/dislike, which means you need to get out there and try new things. Try different cuisines, different activities, and travel to different places so you can see what makes you happy, what do you enjoy and what you don’t like?

 

  1. Develop self-love and boost self-confidence – Loving yourself is not about eating well and exercising it is about being kind to yourself and getting rid of the negative self-talk. If you believe for example women / men will leave me, I lack confidence, I’m not attractive, I’m not good enough,  I suck at relationships, etc

 

Read about How To Increase Your Sexual Desire and Pleasure here

 

Then you will experience stress, self-doubt and act accordingly. Maybe you will lie, cheat, put yourself down, play small in life and not stand up for who you are and what you want. I help people get rid of these demons in my individual breakthrough process. Clearing them away is so important as otherwise, you will project your insecurities on to others.

 

Instead incorporate loving actions into your life, things that make you feel amazing and confident. Be around good friends and family that lift you up. Celebrate yourself and your wins – no matter how big or small they may be. Treat yourself and remind yourself you are worthy of this love. 

 

When you are confident in yourself and understand your worth, you are more likely to be confident and genuinely loving in other relationships. This will also make others love you for you and in turn, this boosts your confidence because you are finally being loved the person you are and not what you think they want you to be.

 

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Overall making some sacrifices in relationships is normal, but if you are taking on a whole new identity depending on your partner, then this is not healthy and the relationship will not last. Taking the steps I mentioned to rediscover yourself with take you on the path to finding a partner who compliments you and your life.

 

If you think your partner or someone you know displays signs of being a chameleon, feel free to share this with them.

 

Nicola Beer is a counselor in dubai offering depression treatment in Dubai, anxiety therapy dubai and individual counseling in Dubai

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