What To Do If Your Husband or Wife Has Had An Affair

 

You had your suspicions, picked up on the subtle signs, you’ve been observing their behavior and it’s become clear to you one way or the other that your husband or wife has been cheating on you. Perhaps they even admitted to what they did or you found out by snooping on their phone or through a tracking device or following them somewhere.

Right now you maybe be inclined to toss your wedding band and call it a day. Or you may feel desperate to get back their attention and love, that you will do almost anything.

It’s natural to feel numb, confused, angry, desperate, lonely and lost. Some people even feel relived because the game of searching for the truth is over.

Before you act – take a moment and read on because there are things that will help you whatever you decide to do if your husband or wife is cheating on you.

Nicola Beer is a Couple Counsellor in Dubai and Online. She also runs marriage online courses and marriage retreats.  In addition to couple therapy Dubai & online, individual counselling includes addiction therapy, hypnotherapy, depression and anxiety treatment Dubai.

 

What To Do If Your Husband or Wife Has Had An Affair 

 

  1. Don’t panic if you find your husband or wife has cheated on you

 

At this moment, you will most likely feel you are all over the place. This is going to be hard – no question but at this point, be careful not to panic and start to tell everyone and anyone you know what your spouse has done. This includes your children, family members and friends. Instead, you need to take stock of the entire situation and figure out what it all means. Jan I worked with was so furious that she messaged and sent evidence of her husbands cheating to all of his family, his parents, brother and sisters. This caused a lot more damage to the marriage and her husband David took it as vindictive.   Some people will jump straight to making divorce threats and hiring divorce lawyers and later regret it.

 

So as hard as it is, take actions to release the anger, hurt and overwhelming thoughts rather than act on them.

 

There are and have been countless situations where one of the partners has been caught cheating in a marriage, and the marriage was still not only saved but made stronger because of it. This does not mean that an affair in a relationship automatically means a stronger relationship but it also just means that you should not be taking any big, rash decisions right after you’ve learned what happened because this is unlikely to help bring that strength into the relationship. I say this because I have helped transform thousands of marriages now in my couples therapy and it doesn’t matter if the cheating wife or husband was cheating for 1 night, 10 weeks or 10 years, marriages can heal after an affair.

 

  1. Face your emotions & make don’t make a decision straight away

 

If you have just found out or caught your husband or wife cheating, you are going to need to face your emotions head-on. Rather than bury your head in the sand after the affair discovery and pretend it’s not happening or numbing yourself with alcohol, medications or food. You are going to feel extremely hurt, betrayed, low and angry even but now is the time you need to decide just how much you’re invested in this relationship and whether you are willing to take a step towards recovery after the affair.

 

Sometimes there are instances where people cannot possibly face going forward and working towards a solution together – and that’s ok. But for those who can and want to move forward towards fixing things, it’s extremely important at this point that their partner is apologizing for their cheating actions and more importantly – taking responsibility for what they did to you and the marriage.

 

Unfortunately some husbands and wives don’t really get a choice, the husband or wife cheating wants to leave and stay with the person they are having an affair with. This is extremely painful, watching your loved one leave after an affair and so processing the painful emotions, getting it off your chest is important.  Letting go of the hurt and resentment is key after your husband or wife has been caught having an affair, as resentment harms us in the long-term if we hold on to it.

 

  1. Do not beg your husband or wife to stay if they have cheated on you

 

This is crucial because if you have taken the decision to work on your relationship, you need to make sure you do not beg your spouse to stay. Because begging comes across as needy and neediness is unattractive and won’t work long-term to help a marriage after an affair.  You do, however, need to make it clear that you are wanting to work on the marriage so that your partner understands where you both stand. Sometimes when adultery has taken place, the first reaction of the one who has cheated is to think they need to leave. If you are looking to save the marriage, then say something like “I still want you and this relationship to work”. This is different from begging the person to stay and is a better way to communicate your feelings. It’s natural to be going through a whirlwind of emotions at this stage so you need to keep track of where you are and how you feel. And after this has been communicated to and understood by your partner, it’s time to get to work on saving your marriage if that’s what you decide. Either through actions yourselves marriage courses and programs – I have several audio programs that help couples transform their relationship, the most popular is the empowered love formula click here to read more. https://nicolabeer.clickfunnels.com/empowered-love-sales-page19615178

 

It’s an online marriage course that has been proven to really help individuals and couples heal after an affair.

https://nicolabeer.clickfunnels.com/empowered-love-sales-page19615178

 

 

  1. Look after yourself after discovering your wife or husband is having an affair

 

You may find yourself having sleepless nights trying to fit all the pieces in the puzzle together. You may find your mind and head scrambling to know more of what happened in the affair and when the cheating began.

 

You may find images of the affair and cheating keep popping into your head.

You may start asking yourself or them the same questions again and again after the affair like:

How on earth could they do this to me?

What is wrong with me?

What have I done to deserve this?

Did they ever love me?

Am I not attractive enough?

Am I not good enough in bed or sexy?

How could I be so stupid?

How come I didn’t see it earlier?

 

All these questions you may ask yourself after an affair are going to hurt you. They are harmful because they are attacking yourself as our unconscious mind always answers and will try to find a reason to every question. So instead switch to empowering questions like:

 

What can I do about this now?

What do I need to learn from them to move forward?

What can I use from this to benefit my future?

What are the lessons here?

 

If you find that your mind is not calming or that anger, hurt, and confusion is too much a great thing to have a hypnotherapy session. Hypnotherapy is a great tool, to use to calm any overwhelming emotions and works best when you have one created for you and recorded for you. It’s a great tool to relax and release any anxiety, anger and reoccurring thoughts and images, so you can sleep better and focus on your future more easily no matter what you decide to do after catching your husband or wife cheating on you.

 

5. Consider couples therapy to help you decide what to do or rebuild trust and connection in your relationship

 

I’ve been doing couples therapy in Dubai and Online for years now to help individuals and relationships heal after an affair. When there has been infidelity in a marriage, there is going to be some repairs that need to happen. It goes beyond the initial emotional and angry phase because what has happened is a betrayal of the person’s trust. Often in instances where a person catches their husband or wife cheating there is some part of them is not surprised because the marriage had many problems. This is where the repairs need to happen, on the betrayal part rebuild trust after the affair and new ways of interacting. Both you and your partner need to take a look at what the relationship needs now for you both to be happy, what needs to change.  Some marriage counselling services will take you into the depth of the question why and sometimes delve into childhood patterns.  If you have plenty of money, time and enjoying delving into the past, then by all means go ahead. However I find when it comes to saving a marriage after an affair or any betrayal for that matter going over the past again and again is not helpful. Instead what needs to be established is how the cheating husband or wife is planning to take responsibility for their actions, what are they willing to do to change things and what are you willing to do to create a new relationship. This doesn’t mean in my couples therapy that I forget the past or the affair, but it’s instead helping a couple to learn from it  and move forward. Whether both are willing to make a recommitment to the relationship and do the necessary repair work after the affair.

 

Most likely during therapy, the couple is going to need to face how the disconnection has happened and how to reconnect. I go through a list of 17 most important relationship needs that men and women have to be happy and ask both in the couple to pick out their top 6 to share with each other. As the focus needs to be away from the past toward happiness after an affair, if that makes sense? Both partners are going to need to decide if they are ready to create a new relationship and a new way of loving and communicating.

 

That’s what I share in the online marriage course I created the empowered love formula 25 set audio program, it is all about doing the necessary actions to reconnect and become closer. Click here if you are interested

https://nicolabeer.clickfunnels.com/empowered-love-sales-page19615178

 

 

So, whatever you do and whoever you hire to be your marriage therapist make sure that

they

  1. believe a marriage can be saved after an affair, some marriage counsellors don’t.
  2. Won’t tell you what to do and whether your marriage can be saved
  3. Don’t play judge and jury with your relationship and pass their opinion on whether your marriage is good or not.
  4. That doesn’t want to stay stuck in the past and going over the problems again and again, the majority of the sessions need to focus on solutions and the future
  5. That they have a plan, they can share with you that will help ypu become closer rather than an endless series of sessions with no structure or actions to support you to move forward
  6. Lastly that doesn’t push too much either. I had a man say that their marriage was over because the counsellor was pushing his wife to let him move back in and his wife gave up on counselling and the marriage as it was too much too soon for her. Other husbands and wives have said to me that their marriage counsellor told them to leave and work out an exit strategy. This amazes me how someone can say something so damaging to a couple or individual. It’s not their judgement to ever make.

 

If you are unsure whether to stay or leave your marriage after discovering your husband or wife cheating that is natural. Having some support from a couple therapist will be a great help to talk it all through and to look at whether you can save your marriage if you want too. Seeing a good relationship therapist can help you gain perspective on what you want as your end goal and outline what you are trying to achieve through the sessions.

 

Nicola Beer is a Couple Counsellor in Dubai and Online. She also runs marriage online courses and marriage retreats.  In addition to couple therapy Dubai & online, individual counselling includes addiction therapy, hypnotherapy, depression and anxiety treatment Dubai.