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What not to do if you suspect your husband or wife is having an affair

What not to do if you suspect your husband or wife is having an affair


It is not an easy thing to face thinking that your partner could be cheating on you. It can bring with it a host of emotions like jealousy, anger and sadness. It may be causing you extreme anxiety worrying about where they are, what they are doing and you may be bursting with irritation or fear every time they are on there phone or say they are working late.

You may also feel low about yourself, you may feel that you are too fat, small, wrinkly etc and this will lead you to feel even worse.

You may start to not trust anyone if you suspect that your husband or wife is having an affair. Distrust of all women or all men can be common.

You will definitely be over analyzing everything your spouse says or does if you suspect your husband or wife is having an affair. This analyzing is exhausting, your sleep and concentration throughout the day is undoubtedly also going to suffer.

So to help you, before you take any drastic actions and possible destructive actions if you want to know if your husband or wife is cheating on you. I will share some things you should completely avoid doing if you suspect your partner is having an affair.

What not to do if you suspect your husband or wife is having an affair


1.Don’t keep it all inside if you believe your husband or wife is cheating


While it is not good to go off the handle and do something drastic, it is also not good to keep all your emotions bottled up inside when suspecting your husband or wife is cheating on you. Keeping these kind of thoughts inside can be damaging and it’s important to talk to someone you can trust to be impartial, non-judgmental and helpful, so that you can vocalize how you are feeling and get the questioning, doubting or obsessive thoughts out of your head.


If you stay living in the anxiety with thoughts like:


Are they cheating on me? I bet they are cheating on me Who are they cheating on me with? They are not having sex with me must be with someone else? They are working late they are meeting someone? There always on their phone, they are messaging someone else. They are going out tonight to cheat.


It will make you feel like you’re going to explode and its guaranteed to keep on circling in your head keeping you from doing anything else in your life.


It can also manifest into other things if you keep on overthinking the thoughts. As the  process of analyzing and then providing the explanation ourselves, when we are not even sure it is true, can make us become really stressed out and cause pain where there may not even be the need for. Many people I help who want to know if their husband or wife is cheating on them have health problems, stomach uclers, neck pain, aching body, back pain, insomnia and feel unwell.


If you don’t have someone you can trust to confide in then write or draw out your thoughts, feelings emotions. Some find the power of journaling, painting or drawing very helpful.

  1. Don’t ask for advice from friends and family 

If you want to know if you have a cheating husband or wife don’t look for support from people who too close to you or scarred by their own experiences.  As often looking for advice from our nearest and dearest may not be the best idea because those closest to us are not in the position to offer the kind of advice or support we need. Some family members may tell you to ditch them straight away if you suspect they are cheating or tell you that they probably are cheating. Others might advise you to hire a private detective or stalk them or to set up a trap to catch them out. Then there are people who may say affairs and cheating are no big deal, not to worry about an affair, that he or she is in a relationship with you. Lastly there are those poor people who only see the negative and worst case scenarios in everything. Bless them, they may love you and want to help but if they are not going to help you look at things, calmly rationally and practically, it may make you feel a lot worst.


Also ask yourself why you want to speak with about whether your husband or wife is having an affair, are you looking for your feelings to be validated? Or are you looking for them to tell you they are not cheating so you can go back to your life before you began suspecting them of cheating? In either circumstance, you don’t need to hear people telling you things just to make you feel like you’re right or not right.  As you probably won’t listen to them anyway. Often bringing it up can either make you feel like you are crazy or make you more suspicious if they throw more doubts into the mix.


If you are really serious about what you are feeling and think that your partner could be cheating on you, you need to speak to people who are grounded and have an open mind. You need as much realistic advice and support in this situation, as possible.


3.Don’t pretend the signs of cheating husband or wife don’t exist


Pretending that the signs of their cheating is not real or don’t exist, ignoring what may have happened or saying to yourself it was just a once-off thing, is not the way to handle this situation. While you are aware of what impact this is going to have on your relationship ultimately (should it be true), coping with it is not ignoring it.


If you do talk to your partner about it, hopefully, they will be able to reassure you and help you move past the suspicion. Or if they are cheating, they may decide to open up to you and admit what they have done.


Talking is good if you feel you can have a safe, open space of communication with your partner and want to talk about to help clear up the suspicion. Remember though, that you need to be prepared for any outcome. Your husband or wife may become angry if you accuse them of cheating, or defensive or admit to cheating and so make sure you are prepared, calm and composed when you speak to them to diffuse arguments.

  1. Don’t snoop on your husband or wife even if they are showing signs of infidelity 

Snooping in Dubai and whole of UAE in fact is illegal, other countries it may be legal but snooping can often cause more damage than good in relationships. Snooping means going through your partner’s phone, tracking their phone or car, installing video cameras in the house. It will be tempting to want to check where they are but when husbands and wives who want to know if there husband or wife is cheating it is easy to get obsessed and read too much into things. Let’s say for example you find a deleted message you may think that is cheating when it’s not or you may find personal conversations between girlfriends or guy friends anr read into their jokes about other men and women and not like that. You may read conversations he or she has had with their best friend or family that they want to be private and you may find a message with a work colleague asking them for coffee or lunch and lead this to mean an affair.


I have had people become very obsessive over little tiny bits of information and details ask Nicola do you think that means he is cheating?   Not satisfied they search for more and then find themselves addicted to checking their wife or husbands phone, social media and whereabouts. It really can become addictive this pattern and is not good because in order for a relationship to be healthy there absolutely has to be trust present.


Following them, snooping on their phone or creating fake social media accounts are all unhealthy ways of approaching this situation. If you are doubting them to this level, before you snoop consider pausing and tuning into what is happening in the relationship. What has led you to this, what is working and what is not working. Taking a step back can help you make sure you are putting things into perspective and not over reacting or over analysing. You need to see whether you are being insecure, jealous and irrational or logical in your thinking and feeling.


5.Never confront your partner while you or them are under the influence, even if you have had signs of them cheating 


Being under the influence of alcohol or other medication / drugs and choosing to confront your partner is not going to help you or the relationship. It has far more potential to escalate and cause problems. You want a productive conversation you want them to explain and be non-defensive, you want the truth and real them to speak and you to be your real you. Alcohol or drug fuellled arguments often lead to someone saying something they later regret and that they cannot take back.


Maybe you feel like you need alcohol or drugs to have the confidence to bring something up, but it clouds your judgment, prevents you from reading their body language correctly or listening attentively.  Our thought processes are also jaded and compromised when we drink as emotions are often exaggerated.


I hope this has helped you it’s an emotionally and physically draining difficult situation to be in to look for signs of cheating and to wonder if your spouse is having an affair.  So it’s really important to also look after yourself. That includes feeding your body well, resting and doing things that make your smile.


From my heart to yours, Nicola


Nicola Beer is a Couple Counsellor in Dubai and Online. She also runs marriage online courses and marriage retreats.  In addition to couple therapy Dubai & online, individual counselling includes addiction therapy, hypnotherapy, depression and anxiety treatment Dubai.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!