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Why is cheating and affairs addictive?

For many rush of adrenaline, the excitement, the uncertainty, newness associated with cheating can be a hook that people find it hard to resist. Having affairs leaves people wanting more because it affects their brain chemistry. When a new person enters their life in whatever form that is, there is a rush of dopamine to their brain, making them feel good. Once the rush wears off, they look for more of it and create a loop. A loop where their brain gets wired to the excitement and rush of chemicals that feel good it will seek for more and more. Whenever that person then goes through a stressful time, rejection, loneliness, bordeom their mind will say cheat, use porn, masturbate or go have sex and the habit forms. Just like for those with a drinking problem the mind tells them have a drink, it will take the edge off, make you happy, be a relief or you deserve it, a cheater gets obsessive thoughts to cheat or use porn as a fix. So often just removing the porn, affair partner, dating / social media app is not enough.


Why is cheating and affairs addictive?


The thinking needs to be changed and the root causes uncovered and thats what I love to do. My surprise in the 70 plus breakthrough sessions is just how kind, loving and caring the cheating addicts were, all of the people that sort me to help them were genuinely good people in all other aspects of their lives. Of course I am sure there are some people addicted to cheating who don’t care about their partner or want to end their relationship or who are selfish and have a sense of entitlement which I will talk about shortly. For those that I supported though they found themselves trapped in the cheating grip, confused and unable to stop going back for the high. They did care for their partner deeply, they loved them and didn’t want anyone else but kept falling back into the same behaviors despite promising to themselves and others they would stop. The thing is when they promised they really meant it, they really never wanted to engage in the behavior again, they really did feel guilty or disgusting even but found themselves doing the same thing, months or years later.


I want to make clear that even though I believe there is such a thing as cheating addiction, it doesn’t mean that the person should be able to shirk responsibility for their actions The addict needs to address the deeper issues beneath the compulsion, admit their weakness and make every effort to repair their relationship and change their habits by finding healthy ways to manage life. I will be sharing some tips coming up in the next podcast on what to do to repair the damage cheating addiction and sex addiction creates.


Every single person I have helped had a pain and a hidden sense of inadequacy that most outsiders wouldn’t be able to detect.  This does not mean however that they can carry on, calling it an addiction and saying sorry each time. Sorry is not enough, there has to be a willingness to get to the root of their issue, understand it and then find healthy ways to get the excitement, approval, attention or validation they seek.  It’s important for cheating, porn or sex addicts to change their mindset, behavioir and ways of coping as in the process of acting out they are not only hurting their partner and families, they hurt themselves. It doesn’t feel good to be lying, weak, and selfish, the burden of it all takes a hard toll on self-esteem and self-respect. Unprotected sex for those that cheat phsyically or who are addicted to sex put health of both at risk too. 

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!