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What To Know When You Get Out Of An Abusive Relationship

Until I worked in the field of helping men and women heal their childhood wounds or from abusive relationships I didn’t comprehend the scale of emotional abuse taking place today. Emotional abuse happens across all cultures regardless of religious, economic and social background and it is a growing trend. We can all pretend on social media that our lives and families are perfect and sadly this pretense can prevent us from getting the very help we need to heal and move forward.

There are so many people out there who are suffering and struggling with an emotionally abusive partner and putting on a brave face and in some instances a fake face. Sadly today it’s a well-known fact that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will be abused by an intimate partner and that it can take them up to 7 attempts to leave the relationship. People often speak about physical abuse but very little is spoken about emotional abuse and just how destructive it can be. Emotional abuse is also called psychological abuse.  The UK charity Refuge, which provides support for women and children sums up emotional abuse by saying ‘If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused.’ Unfortunately, it’s hard to spot a person in an emotionally abusive relationship as many victims ‘put on a happy face in public.’ If you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship the first thing to remember is that you are not alone. We tend to think that we are the only person going through something when this is far from true. Whilst many people will remain stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship there are thousands of women around the world who have shown tremendous inner strength and courage and walked away from their emotionally abusive partner and rebuilt their lives.

Getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship

If you are stuck in an abusive relationship do not be hard on yourself. Remember that this abusive relationship isn’t your life and you are not stuck. It is extremely difficult for anyone to leave that kind of a dynamic so be proud of yourself for getting help and all the steps you are taking to leave.  Once you are able to figure out a safe way to leave the relationship you will find the strength to begin to heal and eventually rebuild a new life – a life that you want and that you deserve. Don’t forget that the most important part of your recovery after you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship is remembering who you are. When you’re in a relationship where you’ve been abused over time it’s likely that you forget who your true self is. You lost sight of it because your partner taught you to believe that you are worthless even though this isn’t true. Although it’s hard to see through the smoke of deception that your abusive partner has created, there is a way out and there is a ‘happy ever after.’ One of the easiest things you can do when you are doubting yourself, or you are afraid to leave is to search online for people who’ve left an abusive relationship. Read as many success stories as possible. Read books and watch movies about women who have conquered and pushed through their fears despite horrific and often difficult circumstances. Download as many uplifting songs as possible and create a playlist that will lift your spirit and boost your confidence. I get knocked down and I get up again you are never going to keep me down is just one that springs to mind, as does Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive.’ Remember that it is when we are at our lowest point in life that we need other people to help us. You need constant reminders that there are other women out there going through the same as you and they are starting over – one way or another.

Moving forward

After you have left an emotionally abusive relationship it’s important to remember that you have been through a lot and to go on easy on yourself. That said at some stage you’ll need to brave once again and work through the trauma you’ve been through. Remember that triggers from your old relationship will come up at times and when they do it’s important to address them right away. Don’t ignore them or suppress them. Repressing your triggers is going to make you feel much worse. In order to heal from your abusive relationship, you need to be honest about your pain so that you can work through it in a healthy way. By simply talking to someone about what you’ve been through and how it affected you will give your mind, body, and spirit a chance to heal. Very often, people who have had health issues find that they miraculously clear up when they let go of the past and deal with the emotional abuse. Whatever it is that you are dealing with, whether its anxiety, fear, low self-esteem remember to congratulate yourself as often as possible for your courage to leave and your strength to face your past and deal with your insecurities. As you begin to create a new life it’s important to heal the wounds of your previous relationship. It’s essential for your future happiness.

Love yourself – love your new life

Once you’ve healed those wounds and have a ‘clean slate’ it’s time to remember who you are. Think about what you love about you. Remember what life was like before you got into your previous relationship. What were your hobbies? What did you like to do in your spare time? What made you excited about life? When we live an authentic life that is in line with who we really are we will begin to shine – the more you shine the happier you will become. Start small as this will enable you to build up your confidence. Remind yourself daily of the things you are good at and the things you love about yourself and if you can try to send loving thoughts to your ex-partner. Don’t stay angry at them as it will only slow down your recovery. Send love and get ready to receive it, for as you give in life so will you receive.

If you would like to talk to me about this and how I have helped countless other men and women heal from emotional abuse. You can contact me on to book a free complimentary personal breakthrough session.

From my heart to yours,


P.S No question is too small or big to ask me, I am totally here for you when you are ready.

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!