Countless people approach me daily wondering if an affair means it’s time to leave a marriage Over the past 10 years, I have become an affair recovery expert, how can I say that well because more than 60% of the people I work with, some kind of cheating has been happening. I work with the cheater to understand why, get to the root issues and focus on actions to rebuild trust and connection, as well as couples to reignite their love, passion and happiness. I also support the person who has been cheated on to sleep better, remove painful images, deal with triggers, feel more confident in themselves and body and when they are release the past. As time and time again I get asked the same questions today I wanted to share my top 5 questions I get asked when a person wants to know how to heal from an affair and if affair recovery is possible.
If this is relevant to you, in addition to this podcast I have a private facebook group where you can ask questions in a safe place and where I do a live q and a every week. You can even ask questions anonymously to the group to get other perspectives on problems. Plus I have several free tools inside the group to support your journey to a healthier happier relationship life.
Following on from your discussions, it is always important to spend the rest of this dedicated time to having fun or talking about things that are not based on your relationship. Maybe you could do an exciting activity together – I have a great couple’s activity sheet that I will be sharing in the facebook group next week, it has 100 different activities on and you can both rate and score each one, so you have a list of new things you can do together.
By turning the focus back on the relationship couples can steadily rebuild the love and trust that is fragile after a cheating spouse.
If you are listening because you have had an affair of some kind or the person who has been cheated on, there needs to be respect and willingness to work on the relationship. Understanding that actions are the key to building trust after an affair not words is essential. I always share with couples a list of 25 relationship needs that can help in situations like this to repair and reignite the love.
Here are some tips to leave you with to overcome the affair and move forward with your relationship if you have cheated on your partner –
Be open and honest about all aspects of life so you can get back their trust in you. No white lies whatsoever and be consistent – do what you say you will do. For example if you say you are going to the shops but take an hour longer than you normally would, it is understandable for your partner to feel insecure and worried that you are seeing someone else or lying. Triggers will come up again and again, so it is important to give reassurance. In this case reassure them by letting them know you have been held up – this way they know that you thinking of them and considering their feelings. That you understand the pain caused and respect them enough to keep them in the know.
Show them love – show them that they are the only one you are focused on, and through your actions you are able to make them feel that you are remorseful for the pain you have put them through. For example, organising a special date night, cook for them, spend more time on them than you would going out. Remember changed behaviour is the best way to reassure your partner that you are no longer interested in pursuing anyone else and that you understand you need to change to make it up to them.
If you feel you are making all the effort possible and it is not working, then it really does come down to whether you both can continue in this relationship the way it is going. There needs to be a decision made about whether you are taking further steps to make this relationship work, i.e. seeing a marriage coach to help release resentment or insecurities, deal with the grief of an affair, repair the communication, connection and sex life.
Or work individually with a relationship counselor to see if it is in your best interest to continue together.
There really is no one answer for all relationships that are trying to heal from an affair, however I’ve set up the facebook group to offer support and if you would like to explore my affair recovery one to one program, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
A relationship goes through many stages over the years. People who have been married for a long time may notice periods of good times, periods of bad times and periods where they question where they are in life. This is only natural. We all handle things differently but an affair is never the answer to a better marriage, in fact even open marriages have a high failure rate when that is introduced. So take good care of yourself and each other 😊