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Top 5 cheating husband and wife questions I get asked and how I address them

Countless people approach me daily wondering if an affair means it’s time to leave a marriage Over the past 10 years, I have become an affair recovery expert, how can I say that well because more than 60% of the people I work with, some kind of cheating has been happening. I work with the cheater to understand why, get to the root issues and focus on actions to rebuild trust and connection, as well as couples to reignite their love, passion and happiness. I also support the person who has been cheated on to sleep better, remove painful images, deal with triggers, feel more confident in themselves and body and when they are release the past. As time and time again I get asked the same questions today I wanted to share my top 5 questions I get asked when a person wants to know how to heal from an affair and if affair recovery is possible.

 

If this is relevant to you, in addition to this podcast I have a private facebook group where you can ask questions in a safe place and where I do a live q and a every week. You can even ask questions anonymously to the group to get other perspectives on problems. Plus I have several free tools inside the group to support your journey to a healthier happier relationship life.

Hi Nicola, my husband wants me to forget about the affair and move on, but I can’t stop thinking about it and he gets defensive whenever I want to ask questions. I want to move on and forget it all, but I keep having more questions come up. I’ve tried to tame it a bit to keep him happy, but sometimes can’t help myself.  How can we best move forward from the affair Nicola?  He listens to your podcast so it would be great if you can share what to do. KD
Hi Nicola, my husband wants me to forget about the affair and move on, but I can’t stop thinking about it and he gets defensive whenever I want to ask questions. I want to move on and forget it all, but I keep having more questions come up. I’ve tried to tame it a bit to keep him happy, but sometimes can’t help myself. How can we best move forward from the affair Nicola? He listens to your podcast so it would be great if you can share what to do. KD
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One of the first things a couple needs to consider after an affair has taken place is whether they are both willing to really work on their relationship to move past the affair. This includes being able to have those difficult conversations where both partners are able to discuss the ins and outs of what has happened as well as review their relationship in an honest and productive way.

Being able to have an honest conversation about the affair, why it’s happened and being able to listen to one another is key. Discussing if something is missing for either you or your partner can help you to understand if this relationship is something you want to fight for. Without these discussions you are left trying to make sense of the pain and when you keep your thoughts inside, it is easy to build up insecurities, imagine the worst as well as resentment towards the person who has had the affair – which can lead to more destructive behaviours.

A couple need to talk about whether the affair is over, why the affair happened in the first place (for example, was it something that pushed them to turn to someone else or was the relationship good but they were pulled in by the other person?) Understanding what the events leading up to it were is important but equally important is understanding what benefit that person got from the cheating. Was it an escape, addictive pattern, revenge, drunken error, lifted self-esteem, ego boost, curiosity, people pleasing? Once I help someone to discover this, I can help the relationship much faster.

Understanding and taking ownership is crucial as you will want to be sure that they would not do the same if the opportunity to cheat came up again. A couple also need to get clear on what they expect from one another to start rebuilding the relationship.

Once both partners have been honest about what’s happened and can express their feelings to one another about their relationship, they are able to start on a clean slate. This means both partners are aware of what is expected of them – for example, maybe the person who has been cheated on wants their partner to do certain things to regain that trust, or the person who has cheated may have cheated because they need their partner to show more love or closeness to them. This will also give both partners a chance to work on the relationship and also help decide when it is time to leave a marriage – because if you are both unable to or not willing to meet each other’s requirements, it’s not going to be a happy relationship.

This being said it is important not to overtalk the affair. Over-talking it for months on end, will crush the relationship you have and will keep you stuck in the past. The first one to two months is natural, then this hopefully subsides and it’s time for action and releasing.
Another popular question I get asked is about the excuse that boredom caused the cheating.  This is where the husband or wife in pain cannot accept only boredom as a reason for causing so much pain and damage to the relationship.  I often have people say Nicola I don’t get how they can say being bored is a good enough reason to throw away our happiness.
Another popular question I get asked is about the excuse that boredom caused the cheating. This is where the husband or wife in pain cannot accept only boredom as a reason for causing so much pain and damage to the relationship. I often have people say Nicola I don’t get how they can say being bored is a good enough reason to throw away our happiness.
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Most relationships start off with a lot of passion – the excitement of getting to know each other, dressing up for one another and generally doing as much as possible to make their love life interesting.

However, over time life gets in the way and you may not have as much energy or time to dedicate to one another. Cosy nights in your pj’s after a long day at work, replaces those fun filled dinner dates out where you both look your best and excited to learn more about one another. Now while there is absolutely nothing wrong with staying home and being comfortable with each other, if one of you starts to miss the passion in the early days, it can be a contributing factor for someone to seek excitement in there life. However the boredom reason may have nothing to do with the relationship, I find that for a lot of men and women when I question them on the boredom aspect that what we are dealing with here is in actual fact loneliness. Yes loneliness in relationships is common and can happen even when living in a full house of people.

Affairs often don’t start off premeditated. Sometimes they can start off as friendly conversations with another person or drive to get attention or a distraction from uncomfortable feelings. A new connection with someone can often bring excitement and fantasies to the surface. This can for some be a welcome escape from daily life and responsibilities or escape from that loneliness I mentioned.

Now whilst I’m explaining the reasons for boredom and loneliness to strike in a relationship, I am not justifying affairs. The person who has cheated always had the choice to explore their feelings and discuss this with their partner. They also have the choice to deal with any boredom in hundreds of different ways rather than cheat. When the excuse of boredom is given, it often does not go deep enough for the partner cheated on to be at peace.

That addresses boredom in general, what if they say they are bored of their partner, of their sex life. This is a different thing all together and again it is the responsibility of both to bring this up and talk about if the sex life needs spicing up, if the activities have become dull or boring and address the very sensitive area that comes up regularly in my sessions if attraction is still there.

Lastly on the topic of boredom as an excuse for an affair, sometimes it can be a delfection because the cheater is too scared to say the truth.

Like they wanted to get back at a spouse for doing something painful to them. Or not wanting to be with their partner and looking for a reason to end the relationship.
I need to know why thought it was acceptable to cheat on me? We have been married for 25 years and I supported him through everything! We have 3 children, 5 grandkids together, how could he think this is ok?
I need to know why thought it was acceptable to cheat on me? We have been married for 25 years and I supported him through everything! We have 3 children, 5 grandkids together, how could he think this is ok?
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Betrayal is such a difficult thing to deal with. The grieving period you are going through right now must be immensely difficult to handle, as you mention you have given so much and experienced so much together. I am unable to comment on his mindset or actions, only he has the answer and even then he may be unaware of why he has done this unless he has professional support.

This is no excuse however I have found it surprising in my 10 years working with couples to learn that many women and men are able to compartmentalise their partner and affair partner into separate categories. They are also able to shutdown completely thinking through the consequences of their actions, like they don’t want to think about it and their subconscious mind supports them and they don’t go there.

I have been researching this thoroughly, it’s kind of like when a person has an addiction.

The first phase is denial and they lie to themselves that it is nothing, it is not a problem for them or those around them when actually it is. They rationalise, normalise or in most cases push it away so they don’t have to think about it.
I got sad and upset when my wife cheated but I’m ok. I read everywhere that you are supposed to be devastated and I’m not, I can see how my actions caused this and want to fix it, but should I be worried I am not in pain finding out my wife has cheated?
I got sad and upset when my wife cheated but I’m ok. I read everywhere that you are supposed to be devastated and I’m not, I can see how my actions caused this and want to fix it, but should I be worried I am not in pain finding out my wife has cheated?
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There is no right or wrong way to react to your wife cheating on you. The great thing is you can also see your part in this and are ready to move on fixing the relationship.

Some people are able to communicate their feelings to their partner who has cheated calmly and can begin creating a plan to move forward together. It’s also common for some to not want to know any details about it. So I support them to become closer with actions to releasing resentment and create a new foundation for the relationship.

This is a wonderful way to move forward actions, communication and a common goal. As long as you are not brushing it all under the carpet and not talking about it, or keeping so busy your burnout, then there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong from what I can understand, to support you more, I would need to obviously explore this with you.

A plan is essential also as mistakes can be made without one, so by agreeing a plan of engagement and action is positive.

I’ve worked with so many types of cheating and so many types of reaction, there is no right or wrong here. Much more important to focus on how you and your partner see your future and share ideas to make it work.
How can I get my husband or wife to stop asking the same questions over and over. I regret this whole nightmare and I am panicking as going over the past is making it worse, I really don’t want to see them hurting even more. How can I help them overcome my affair and rebuild that trust?
How can I get my husband or wife to stop asking the same questions over and over. I regret this whole nightmare and I am panicking as going over the past is making it worse, I really don’t want to see them hurting even more. How can I help them overcome my affair and rebuild that trust?
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It is never easy for either partner to work on their relationship after an affair – the person who has cheated may have a lot of changes to make and deal with the backlash of their partner’s pain, and the person who has been cheated on has to come to terms with what has happened and understand why they have been hurt by the one they love.

It is draining having an affair brought up time and time again and of course the cheating spouse does not want to cause any more damage than already done. However not talking about issues can often cause more insecurities and worry, which then leads to even more questions if that makes sense?

What works best is creating a safe environment and time to discuss what has happened with an open and honest discussion. This is where both will be able to explain their feelings and instead of being questioned any time any place, you will be able to focus and help your partner understand why the affair happened. This does often mean having to answer difficult questions, but honesty is key and having time to be truthful, share it all will give both a sense of relief in the long run.

Total honesty is an absolute must. The person who has been cheated on, is extra sensitive to lies and will know instinctively if you are lying, they will feel it in their gut. Now is not the time to protect them, or the affair partner. Share what happened, how you felt and what you feel now.
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Following on from your discussions, it is always important to spend the rest of this dedicated time to having fun or talking about things that are not based on your relationship. Maybe you could do an exciting activity together – I have a great couple’s activity sheet that I will be sharing in the facebook group next week, it has 100 different activities on and you can both rate and score each one, so you have a list of new things you can do together.

 

By turning the focus back on the relationship couples can steadily rebuild the love and trust that is fragile after a cheating spouse.

 

If you are listening because you have had an affair of some kind or the person who has been cheated on, there needs to be respect and willingness to work on the relationship. Understanding that actions are the key to building trust after an affair not words is essential. I always share with couples a list of 25 relationship needs that can help in situations like this to repair and reignite the love.

 

Here are some tips to leave you with to overcome the affair and move forward with your relationship if you have cheated on your partner –

 

Be open and honest about all aspects of life so you can get back their trust in you. No white lies whatsoever and  be consistent – do what you say you will do. For example if you say you are going to the shops but take an hour longer than you normally would, it is understandable for your partner to feel insecure and worried that you are seeing someone else or lying. Triggers will come up again and again, so it is important to give reassurance. In this case reassure them by letting them know you have been held up – this way they know that you thinking of them and considering their feelings. That you understand the pain caused and respect them enough to keep them in the know.

 

Show them love – show them that they are the only one you are focused on, and through your actions you are able to make them feel that you are remorseful for the pain you have put them through. For example, organising a special date night, cook for them, spend more time on them than you would going out. Remember changed behaviour is the best way to reassure your partner that you are no longer interested in pursuing anyone else and that you understand you need to change to make it up to them.

 

If you feel you are making all the effort possible and it is not working, then it really does come down to whether you both can continue in this relationship the way it is going. There needs to be a decision made about whether you are taking further steps to make this relationship work, i.e. seeing a marriage coach to help release resentment or insecurities, deal with the grief of an affair, repair the communication, connection and sex life.

 

Or work individually with a relationship counselor to see if it is in your best interest to continue together.

 

There really is no one answer for all relationships that are trying to heal from an affair, however I’ve set up the facebook group to offer support and if you would like to explore my affair recovery one to one program, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

 

A relationship goes through many stages over the years. People who have been married for a long time may notice periods of good times, periods of bad times and periods where they question where they are in life. This is only natural. We all handle things differently but an affair is never the answer to a better marriage, in fact even open marriages have a high failure rate when that is introduced. So take good care of yourself and each other 😊

From my heart to yours,

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