Top 5 cheating husband and wife questions I get asked and how I address them

Countless people approach me daily wondering if an affair means it’s time to leave a marriage Over the past 10 years, I have become an affair recovery expert, how can I say that well because more than 60% of the people I work with, some kind of cheating has been happening. I work with the cheater to understand why, get to the root issues and focus on actions to rebuild trust and connection, as well as couples to reignite their love, passion and happiness. I also support the person who has been cheated on to sleep better, remove painful images, deal with triggers, feel more confident in themselves and body and when they are release the past. As time and time again I get asked the same questions today I wanted to share my top 5 questions I get asked when a person wants to know how to heal from an affair and if affair recovery is possible.

If this is relevant to you, in addition to this podcast I have a private facebook group where you can ask questions in a safe place and where I do a live q and a every week. You can even ask questions anonymously to the group to get other perspectives on problems. Plus I have several free tools inside the group to support your journey to a healthier happier relationship life.

Hi Nicola, my husband wants me to forget about the affair and move on, but I can’t stop thinking about it and he gets defensive whenever I want to ask questions. I want to move on and forget it all, but I keep having more questions come up. I’ve tried to tame it a bit to keep him happy, but sometimes can’t help myself. How can we best move forward from the affair Nicola? He listens to your podcast so it would be great if you can share what to do. KD

One of the first things a couple needs to consider after an affair has taken place is whether they are both willing to really work on their relationship to move past the affair. This includes being able to have those difficult conversations where both partners are able to discuss the ins and outs of what has happened as well as review their relationship in an honest and productive way.

Being able to have an honest conversation about the affair, why it’s happened and being able to listen to one another is key. Discussing if something is missing for either you or your partner can help you to understand if this relationship is something you want to fight for. Without these discussions you are left trying to make sense of the pain and when you keep your thoughts inside, it is easy to build up insecurities, imagine the worst as well as resentment towards the person who has had the affair – which can lead to more destructive behaviours.

A couple need to talk about whether the affair is over, why the affair happened in the first place (for example, was it something that pushed them to turn to someone else or was the relationship good but they were pulled in by the other person?) Understanding what the events leading up to it were is important but equally important is understanding what benefit that person got from the cheating. Was it an escape, addictive pattern, revenge, drunken error, lifted self-esteem, ego boost, curiosity, people pleasing? Once I help someone to discover this, I can help the relationship much faster.

Understanding and taking ownership is crucial as you will want to be sure that they would not do the same if the opportunity to cheat came up again. A couple also need to get clear on what they expect from one another to start rebuilding the relationship.

Once both partners have been honest about what’s happened and can express their feelings to one another about their relationship, they are able to start on a clean slate. This means both partners are aware of what is expected of them – for example, maybe the person who has been cheated on wants their partner to do certain things to regain that trust, or the person who has cheated may have cheated because they need their partner to show more love or closeness to them. This will also give both partners a chance to work on the relationship and also help decide when it is time to leave a marriage – because if you are both unable to or not willing to meet each other’s requirements, it’s not going to be a happy relationship.

This being said it is important not to overtalk the affair. Over-talking it for months on end, will crush the relationship you have and will keep you stuck in the past. The first one to two months is natural, then this hopefully subsides and it’s time for action and releasing.

Most relationships start off with a lot of passion – the excitement of getting to know each other, dressing up for one another and generally doing as much as possible to make their love life interesting.

However, over time life gets in the way and you may not have as much energy or time to dedicate to one another. Cosy nights in your pj’s after a long day at work, replaces those fun filled dinner dates out where you both look your best and excited to learn more about one another. Now while there is absolutely nothing wrong with staying home and being comfortable with each other, if one of you starts to miss the passion in the early days, it can be a contributing factor for someone to seek excitement in there life. However the boredom reason may have nothing to do with the relationship, I find that for a lot of men and women when I question them on the boredom aspect that what we are dealing with here is in actual fact loneliness. Yes loneliness in relationships is common and can happen even when living in a full house of people.

Affairs often don’t start off premeditated. Sometimes they can start off as friendly conversations with another person or drive to get attention or a distraction from uncomfortable feelings. A new connection with someone can often bring excitement and fantasies to the surface. This can for some be a welcome escape from daily life and responsibilities or escape from that loneliness I mentioned.

Now whilst I’m explaining the reasons for boredom and loneliness to strike in a relationship, I am not justifying affairs. The person who has cheated always had the choice to explore their feelings and discuss this with their partner. They also have the choice to deal with any boredom in hundreds of different ways rather than cheat. When the excuse of boredom is given, it often does not go deep enough for the partner cheated on to be at peace.

That addresses boredom in general, what if they say they are bored of their partner, of their sex life. This is a different thing all together and again it is the responsibility of both to bring this up and talk about if the sex life needs spicing up, if the activities have become dull or boring and address the very sensitive area that comes up regularly in my sessions if attraction is still there.

Lastly on the topic of boredom as an excuse for an affair, sometimes it can be a delfection because the cheater is too scared to say the truth.

Like they wanted to get back at a spouse for doing something painful to them. Or not wanting to be with their partner and looking for a reason to end the relationship.

Betrayal is such a difficult thing to deal with. The grieving period you are going through right now must be immensely difficult to handle, as you mention you have given so much and experienced so much together. I am unable to comment on his mindset or actions, only he has the answer and even then he may be unaware of why he has done this unless he has professional support.

This is no excuse however I have found it surprising in my 10 years working with couples to learn that many women and men are able to compartmentalise their partner and affair partner into separate categories. They are also able to shutdown completely thinking through the consequences of their actions, like they don’t want to think about it and their subconscious mind supports them and they don’t go there.

I have been researching this thoroughly, it’s kind of like when a person has an addiction.

The first phase is denial and they lie to themselves that it is nothing, it is not a problem for them or those around them when actually it is. They rationalise, normalise or in most cases push it away so they don’t have to think about it.

There is no right or wrong way to react to your wife cheating on you. The great thing is you can also see your part in this and are ready to move on fixing the relationship.

Some people are able to communicate their feelings to their partner who has cheated calmly and can begin creating a plan to move forward together. It’s also common for some to not want to know any details about it. So I support them to become closer with actions to releasing resentment and create a new foundation for the relationship.

This is a wonderful way to move forward actions, communication and a common goal. As long as you are not brushing it all under the carpet and not talking about it, or keeping so busy your burnout, then there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong from what I can understand, to support you more, I would need to obviously explore this with you.

A plan is essential also as mistakes can be made without one, so by agreeing a plan of engagement and action is positive.

I’ve worked with so many types of cheating and so many types of reaction, there is no right or wrong here. Much more important to focus on how you and your partner see your future and share ideas to make it work.

It is never easy for either partner to work on their relationship after an affair – the person who has cheated may have a lot of changes to make and deal with the backlash of their partner’s pain, and the person who has been cheated on has to come to terms with what has happened and understand why they have been hurt by the one they love.

It is draining having an affair brought up time and time again and of course the cheating spouse does not want to cause any more damage than already done. However not talking about issues can often cause more insecurities and worry, which then leads to even more questions if that makes sense?

What works best is creating a safe environment and time to discuss what has happened with an open and honest discussion. This is where both will be able to explain their feelings and instead of being questioned any time any place, you will be able to focus and help your partner understand why the affair happened. This does often mean having to answer difficult questions, but honesty is key and having time to be truthful, share it all will give both a sense of relief in the long run.

Total honesty is an absolute must. The person who has been cheated on, is extra sensitive to lies and will know instinctively if you are lying, they will feel it in their gut. Now is not the time to protect them, or the affair partner. Share what happened, how you felt and what you feel now.

Following on from your discussions, it is always important to spend the rest of this dedicated time to having fun or talking about things that are not based on your relationship. Maybe you could do an exciting activity together – I have a great couple’s activity sheet that I will be sharing in the facebook group next week, it has 100 different activities on and you can both rate and score each one, so you have a list of new things you can do together.

By turning the focus back on the relationship couples can steadily rebuild the love and trust that is fragile after a cheating spouse.

If you are listening because you have had an affair of some kind or the person who has been cheated on, there needs to be respect and willingness to work on the relationship. Understanding that actions are the key to building trust after an affair not words is essential. I always share with couples a list of 25 relationship needs that can help in situations like this to repair and reignite the love.

Here are some tips to leave you with to overcome the affair and move forward with your relationship if you have cheated on your partner –

Be open and honest about all aspects of life so you can get back their trust in you. No white lies whatsoever and be consistent – do what you say you will do. For example if you say you are going to the shops but take an hour longer than you normally would, it is understandable for your partner to feel insecure and worried that you are seeing someone else or lying. Triggers will come up again and again, so it is important to give reassurance. In this case reassure them by letting them know you have been held up – this way they know that you thinking of them and considering their feelings. That you understand the pain caused and respect them enough to keep them in the know.

Show them love – show them that they are the only one you are focused on, and through your actions you are able to make them feel that you are remorseful for the pain you have put them through. For example, organising a special date night, cook for them, spend more time on them than you would going out. Remember changed behaviour is the best way to reassure your partner that you are no longer interested in pursuing anyone else and that you understand you need to change to make it up to them.

If you feel you are making all the effort possible and it is not working, then it really does come down to whether you both can continue in this relationship the way it is going. There needs to be a decision made about whether you are taking further steps to make this relationship work, i.e. seeing a marriage coach to help release resentment or insecurities, deal with the grief of an affair, repair the communication, connection and sex life.

Or work individually with a relationship counselor to see if it is in your best interest to continue together.

There really is no one answer for all relationships that are trying to heal from an affair, however I’ve set up the facebook group to offer support and if you would like to explore my affair recovery one to one program, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

A relationship goes through many stages over the years. People who have been married for a long time may notice periods of good times, periods of bad times and periods where they question where they are in life. This is only natural. We all handle things differently but an affair is never the answer to a better marriage, in fact even open marriages have a high failure rate when that is introduced. So take good care of yourself and each other 😊

From my heart to yours,

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Mihaela Botnari

12:54 17 Mar 23

Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!

Helen H

19:13 10 Nov 22

Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola

Justin Loss

13:23 30 Jun 22

Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.

Ciaran Carlisle

22:16 23 Jan 22

My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.

Loida Delgado-Perez

03:09 22 Jan 22

Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)

Christianne Kaddoum

17:19 20 Oct 21

The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!

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Top 5 cheating husband and wife questions I get asked and how I address them

From my heart to yours,

Book a free 30 minute consultation with Nicola