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Top 12 Reasons Why A Sexless Marriage Happens Or a Fear of Sex Develops

There are many reasons why a marriage can become sexless. Some of the main reasons include 1 Lack of emotional intimacy and connection Where a couple only talks about finances, what food to eat or theirs or the children’s schedule for the week. Where the intimate emotional sharing about thoughts, feelings, and dreams has been somewhat lost. This is key, I have people write into me all the time who brought the empowered love audio program and completed the connection exercises describing how when they focused on the steps to become closer emotionally; their sex life improved.

Physical attractiveness has been diminished or gone

In my online couples counseling this is usually due to weight gain or loss, change of hairstyle, colour or going bald, poor hygiene habits.

IVF fertility treatment

I have helped many couples to revitalize their marriage. Sadly IVF can cause a fear of sex in a husband or wife or a general feeling that it’s mechanical rather than pleasurable. Men can also have a fear of sex that they need to perform during fertility treatment. Men have said to me that they no longer want to have sex with their wife because it’s so unnatural and less enjoyable to have it on demand than spontaneous attraction and desire playing out.

There has been an affair

Whether a husband or wife has been caught sexting another woman or man or there has been physical acts of cheating in the marriage, it can lead to a sexless marriage. As a fear develops – men who cheat will always cheat as the saying goes etc and the person who has been cheated on by their wife or husband closes up. Refuses to get close. In direct contrast to this, many individuals and couples I help to overcome an affair share with me that they want to have sex with their partner more than usual because it makes them feel closer and less rejected after the affair.

Aging and hormonal changes

Hormonal changes can have an impact on sex and so can aging. This can be difficult for a married couple navigating this. Time and time again I hear from men and women who love their husband or wife so much and don’t want to get divorced but they are fed up of a living like flatmates in a sexless marriage. They desire intimacy and sexual passion, their spouse either isn’t on the same page; their no longer interested in sex or due to the aging process one is not attracted to the other. Whether that’s because a husband or wife has become less physically mobile, too set in their ways, having memory loss and they feel stuck. Help is available for this, a lot of men and women suffer in silence, where frustration builds and builds. It’s important to get some support to look at your options and ways to fix the marriage.

Tiredness or busyness

I mentioned in a previous episode how a couple who wanted to do my program didn’t because they got too busy for their marriage and one of them ended up having an affair. Outside stress and busyness needs to be managed, our lives need to be balanced in order for us to function healthily and our relationships to thrive. Having been a former workaholic I can certainly identify with working too much and letting it take priority over my relationship. If that happens time and time again then of course it’s going to impact the sex life. It can also be a hobby that can come in the way of a couples sex life; I have had triathletes that get up at 3am and sleep at 7pm several times a week and the couple completely don’t match their social and sleep time. Where they have put their hobby first time and time again.

Addictions can impact a couple’s sex life for many reasons

One it’s not attractive to be with someone who is an addict, two to be sexually open, intimate and vulnerable with someone you need to feel safe and like they are into you and present. When a husband or wife is addicted to something the other partner can feel second best, disregarded and not important enough. This can lead to lack of interest in sex. Whether it’s porn addiction, alcohol addiction, cigarettes, drugs, food, work, phone, gaming, exercise; every time you see a partner engage in their addiction it can put you off.

Lack of trust

Nowhere else in life our we as vulnerable as we are in the act of sex. Exposing and opening our body, giving ourselves to another. If there is a lack of trust due to unresolved hurt from past behaviour like an affair, financial cheating, lying or an act of aggression then it is going to be difficult to relax and let go for many unless there is transparency, honesty where full disclosure has been given.

If there is a lack of transparency and by that, I mean where one or both in the marriage are holding something back from the other, then it is going to affect the intimacy. As you can sense if someone is hiding something, lying or holding a secret and it won’t feel good to give yourself to them fully in the bedroom.

Do you trust your partner? Do you feel safe with them outside the bedroom?

Sleeping apart

Separate bedrooms is one of the major reasons a couples marriage becomes sexless. Whether you made the decision to sleep separately because of snoring, different schedules or wanting children in bed with you, the physical distance can cause an emotional and sexual distance.

Sleeping separately with pets or children in the room long term can also impact a couples sex life.


This is probably the most common reason couples give me for their limited sex life or sexless marriage. The person who at the beginning of the relationship used to instigate all the time made a decision to stop instigated because they were tired of being rejected because it hurt and was frustrating. Often people make a pact to themselves, well if they don’t want me I don’t want them I’m not going to ask again. Sometimes they may go as far to say to themselves that they don’t want it, their self-pleasure, watch porn or get it elsewhere. They stop because they feel that their partner is having sex with them out of pity rather than real desire.

Dislike of one’s body

Having been a sugar addict most of my life until a few years ago and an emotional eater I noticed when people dislike their body they stop wanting sex as they don’t feel sexy and shut down their sexual energy and advances. The best way I have found to help men and women with this is to work with them on their self-esteem and body image as well as eating habits. If you want to learn more about my work their you can contact me via my website or check out my emotions and eating podcast available on itunes, spreaker, spotify etc

Fear of sex and sexual pain

This is an area where it can be physical and emotional. Many women can suffer from vaginal tightness and pain during sex and then develop a fear of sex. This in my experience is down to trauma, being abused in the past can cause this whether emotional or physical it can cause a woman fear to open herself and let go and therefore clamping, tightness and dryness can occur.

If you can identify with any of these you are not alone. This is the most common area people seek my help and why I created a short one to one program to help men or women seeking guidance on how to improve their sex life. It’s a 3 x 1 hour sessions. It’s time with me so I can help you fully, not a generic program as this is what I have found best with sex therapy.

I give you different ways other couples have successfully overcome the challenges of a sexless marriage and it comes with my 2 increase sexual desire hypnotherapy bundles one for men and one for women.

It’s listed on my website under sex therapy

The price is listed on the website so you will know straight away if it’s the right investment for you at this time. If you want to try the hypnotherapy rather than talk it through there are two buttons to go to that page also

If this resonates with you and you want to change this area of your life then check out my sex therapy Dubai and online revitalize program using this link

Or book a call with me here to discuss

From my heart to yours, Nicola


Do read more about the sex therapy online and in Dubai as well as hypnotherapy for low libido

Or Check out the second article in this series where I also talk about what to do if you are in a sexless marriage

Mihaela BotnariMihaela Botnari
12:54 17 Mar 23
Thank you for destroying my relationship. My partner reached out for support and you advised him that there is nothing for him to heal and that he should send his girlfriend for therapy, like this is your place to tell him. I’ve been through therapy myself and I know how to make the difference between a good therapist and someone who just wants to get more money, and the second seems to definitely be your purpose!
Helen HHelen H
19:13 10 Nov 22
Nicola’s support and advice proved invaluable when my marriage was struggling. Over a series of meetings (online and fact to face, to suit our needs), Nicola helped steer us through a very difficult time. She was always calm, neutral and never made us feel like we had failed or had ‘messed up’. Nicola has a wealth of experience and keeps up with current research, but has a very unique approach to getting you back on track. With regular support materials and just being there, she helped us realise that our relationship could go on; by making us look at ourselves and helping us consider the tools we needed to move forwards. I can honestly say that I don’t think our marriage would have survived such a difficult time without Nicola’s expertise. I often listen to Nicola’s podcasts on Spotify when I’m needing a bit of extra support. Thank you, Nicola
Justin LossJustin Loss
13:23 30 Jun 22
Nicola has been a massive help. I had tried traditional counseling and it had seemed to be moving me further away from what I wanted. After listening to several of Nicola's podcasts I decided to reach out to her. The discovery call was enlightening and she described a process that was more focused on creating a better future vs reliving the pass. From there I went through her Breakthrough Program...All I can say is Wow! Her program and guidance has quickly changed my mindset which has in turn improved all my relationships and overall stress level. I highly recommend working with Nicola and can't thank her enough for her help and care.
Ciaran CarlisleCiaran Carlisle
22:16 23 Jan 22
My partner and I spent a number of sessions with Nicola discussing our relationship difficulties, both together and one on one sessions. She has been so good to talk to - incredibly helpful and understanding with our problems.My partner and I have come out of this with a better understanding and move love for each other. Nicola has taught us many techniques to use in situations were we feel at odds which has been fantastic. We would recommend Nicola 100% for relationship advice.Thank you so much again.
Loida Delgado-PerezLoida Delgado-Perez
03:09 22 Jan 22
Nicola's marriage counselling have been life changing for both my partner and I. The learnings have been exponential and have transform us individually and as a couple. We reached out to Nicola at the lowest point of our relationship and about to break apart. Her compassionate and smart yet practical advice and exercises transform us in such a way that we are now at the best we've ever been personally and as a couple.As a result we've decided to get married and book Nicola every year for a couple's check in! I couldn't recommend her sessions more to anyone feeling stuck and wanting to be in a better place. Best investment of time, money and effort EVER. Thank you Nicola, you are an inspiration to me and many others :)
Christianne KaddoumChristianne Kaddoum
17:19 20 Oct 21
The hours I’ve spent working with Nicola have been the most valuable of my life.I now feel equipped to do things differently. It’s been the most liberating and empowering experience and I’ve learnt things that will stay with me forever.Through the excellent help from Nicola, it is now possible for me to have a different and healthier approach to various situations.She has professionally helped me to consider my perspectives in a way I hadn’t before.I can finally begin to reframe my life experience and see them in a whole new light.Thanks Nicola!