Most of the men and women I work with to single-handedly save their marriage from divorce or those who email me asking to know when a marriage is over or what to do when the feelings in a marriage are gone; report to me that their husband or wife is blowing hot and cold they are often confused, down and irritated when the cold periods happen.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who runs hot and cold you’ll know what I mean by this. I hope that by reading this it will help you to stop feeling like you are at their mercy all the time and be less affected by their swings.

As nothing will make you more crazy and desperate than a spouse who is playing hide n’ seek with your emotions.

The situation is classic in marriage. Where your husband or wife starts to pull away, you become like a dog with a bone, unwilling to relinquish what you want. You begin to over think everything frantically wondering how you can make them hot again and over analyse your actions.

Wondering what you have done wrong or beating yourself up for small things you said or did that may have been taken the wrong way which was not your intention.

You come to the conclusion that you are wrong, your behaviour is wrong and you are failing.

This causes you to act needier. You keep your diary free as much as possible in case they want to be with you. You focus on how much you want affection and intimacy. You long to know the thoughts that are going on in their head and as you don’t know your guessing all the time.

You will do anything to get back to the hot phase of your relationship, you sacrifice your own plans, needs and your happiness is linked directly to their mood.

You are convinced that they must feel the same hot towards you it’s just they have just forgotten, so you feel you need to remind them. Remind them of all the good times you had, remind them of how great you are and how happy you can be.

So, your problem becomes how to get them into you again.

Does this sound like you?

Can you relate?

The trap with this over analysing is believing that there is always something you have to make right and that you did something wrong that made her or him turn cold.

As this can turn into neediness. And Neediness is NOT attractive.

Anyone with a healthy level of self-esteem will not be attracted to a needy person. Real attraction happens when someone is in a positive state of energy, where someone desires them and is loving and giving without forgetting their own needs and self in the process.

It’s a balance which is most likely why it comes up on all of my 1 to 1 coaching and I talk about how to change it in the empowered love audio program.  to find out more about this program click on the link below the program is great for any confusion on when a marriage is over or when the feelings in a marriage are gone.

So here is what to pay attention to if your husband or wife is blowing hot and cold and you are feeling drained.



Realise that blowing hot and cold in a struggling relationship is natural

Relationship ambivalence is going to create a sense of hot and cold moods, it’s natural and not to be over analysed. Bear in mind also that there are so many other aspects in our lives that affect our mood.

Such as big life events: moving house, starting a new job, a birthday, illness or death of a loved one. As well as more frequent occurrences; tiredness, lack of sleep, cold or flu, stress, anxiety, overwhelm.

Ask yourself – do I know 100% is it about me? If yes, then look for ACTIONS that can make a difference without being needy in the relationship.

If it is not about you, then let it go.  It’s not your responsibility to fix your husbands or wives feelings all the time. It is often taken as controlling rather helpful to interfere. Be a good listener and wait for them to ask for your help.


I’m a HUGE over analyser, so I appreciate how hard this can be if you find yourself constantly wondering what they are thinking and analysing their behaviour, every word and re-reading their messages several times over.  I recommend if this is you it’s important to get it off your chest and share with someone you trust because when we get our thoughts out of our head and on to paper they can start to lessen their grip on us. Talking them through can make a HUGE difference.


We cannot stop negative, insecure or jealous thoughts from coming up. Allow them to come, acknowledge them but do not feed them. If that makes sense?

Let’s say you keep having the same thoughts on repeat:

he/she doesn’t love me,

he/she doesn’t want to be with me,

he/she isn’t giving me any affection or sex

he/she is always on their phone or distance maybe they are cheating

Let these thoughts come and pass, recognise they are just fears. Fears of losing the one you love, trying to warn you. Yet you do not need to give your energy to them. Especially since you are giving your focus to what you do not want and therefore going to notice it far more.

Instead, switch your focus to you – things you can control in the relationship; like how much love you give, what you do and things you can control in your life, the actions you take, the choices you make and the meanings you attach to things.

Every time you find yourself getting worked up ask yourself, can I control this? Yes or No? If no, then say what can I do that I can control that might help the situation.


Recognise and remind yourself when they are acting cold, distant, withdrawn that it is probably not intentional. Very few people want to hurt their partner, they are often struggling. Perhaps they feel down, confused, exhausted, overwhelmed, stuck. If you get angry and resentful and start withdrawing or overreacting then it’s not going to help the relationship and it’s certainly not going to help you feel good and be the best version of yourself you can be.


It’s important to respond appropriately. There are two responses when your husband or wife is blowing hot and cold in your marriage and it all depends on what state your closeness and commitment to stay together in the relationship is right now and how they respond to you asking them questions.

If your husband or wife has threatened divorce, made comments that they want to leave the marriage, has told you they are ambivalent about the relationship. Then the last thing you will want to do is draw attention to their negative cold episodes.


If you make a big deal of their behaviour, if you ask them why they are being cold, if you act wounded and hurt and mope around it’s going to backfire.

Often people feel pressured and then may think oh maybe it is best to leave, to escape the pressure. If that makes sense?

They may also feel guilty that their coldness is causing you pain and think maybe it’s best to leave.

Lastly, when you draw attention to their coldness they will also start to analyse it and start asking themselves questions like:

Yes, I am being horrible, maybe I don’t find them attractive, maybe our relationship is over, maybe I won’t be able to love them in the same way I used to.

In essence the bigger fuss you make of their coldness the bigger fuss it will become.

The solution:


Be happy and positive and kind. And if you do say anything, say something helpful and positive like. Would you like me to do ______ so you can have a rest? Shall we go out for dinner and get out of the house?

Do something positive to change their mood without bringing up their coldness.

If they want to be left alone be ok with that and then happily wait for the next hot moment by focusing on yourself, your goals and dreams.


When they are hot, be hot. Make the hot times last as long as possible and enjoy every moment. Then make a list of all the good moments, all the kind things they have said and done. This creates the much needed positive energy to get through the bad times.

Letting the coldness go and amplifying the good times really works.  I started working with a man from Georgia 6 weeks ago whose wife said that she was no longer in love with him and that she could not see it working out. Yet she was other times leaning on him for help and loving towards him. He followed this strategy, letting her bad moods pass and when she wanted to talk, do things or was giving off an open to suggestions energy he asked her out to places, made her laugh and they had a great time. He continued this and now she wants to have another baby with him.

This advice is simple, but it’s not easy. It can be useful to have a program of structured materials that can support you along the way to greater happiness. The empowered love formula is a step by step guide that helps men and women to create more love, closeness and happiness in their marriage, it’s designed for one person although a spouse can join later once they see the changes and want to join free of charge. If you want to check it out, CLICK HERE.

Now I want to talk about one more thing:


Naomi, a lady I was helping recently said to me “Nicola my husband has been hot and cold our whole relationship. It follows the same cycle he gives me attention and affection, the communication is flowing between us and then all of a sudden over one small disagreement or where I have said no to him, he goes into a moody phase where he basically ignores me and withdraws. So, I then wonder what I have done wrong and find myself apologising for everything even though I often don’t see what I have done. I start to obsess a little, I want to become closer to him and try to do everything to make him happy. He then comes around and he is happy for a while but then withdraws again. It’s happened throughout our relationship, especially in the dating phase or when my family is around.”

I shared with Naomi that this is passive aggressive behaviour and I said it’s not actually about you and what you have done wrong. They have learnt this pattern as a way to get what they want and the longer it continues to benefit them, the more they will do it.  I would suggest saying that you can no longer continue to say sorry for things you haven’t done, instead you want to talk through the issues in an adult way and don’t deserve the silent treatment. There are more things you can do, but require a more in-depth explanation than I can cover in this episode so do reach out if you are ready for some support and let’s speak.

Overall it’s not easy to be in a relationship with someone who blows hot and cold, I hope these steps support you.

CLICK HERE to get my 7 secrets to fixing your marriage if you have not already done so.

Looking for Counsellors in Dubai? Nicola Beer offers  Private Counselling Dubai, Counselling in Abu Dhabi, many expats fly from different areas for her Counselling Riyadh, Jeddah, Bahrain, Doha and Muscat are the most frequent customers for weekend individual or marriage counselling services. 

CLICK HERE to get in contact with me.