Here is how to free yourself 

Article by Nicola Beer – marriage counselling dubai life coach, who runs life coaching certification and relationship coaching certification courses online, she is also a highly respected depression counselling dubai and online professional. 

Discovering that your partner has been cheating is extremely difficult to cope with and many people feel like they are going crazy.  By Crazy I mean they are often so surprised at themselves and the suffering. Some I support cannot sleep, are having panic attacks, cannot eat and their mind is constantly consumed with overwhelming thoughts on repeat. They feel stuck and lost and unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster they are on. 

Some also adopt behaviours which they have never done before, like searching their partners emails or phone at night, doing GPS tracking or become a daily drinker, emotional eater or take medication or drugs to calm themselves. This is often why people start depression counselling dubai with me as they are fed up with their habits but focusing on the habits only won’t resolve the issues. 

Their mind is constantly wondering what if they are still cheating now and hiding it, was anything real and true, will I ever be able to trust again, I cannot believe how the person I loved and trusted the most could do this to me. 

I am going to explain a concept now which often people find themselves in after discovering an affair and this was termed the CRAZY 8 by Tony Robbins over a 10-15 years ago. I have created some Youtube videos on it so do check out my youtube channel and I also did a live free talk on this in my FB group you can also join. If you want to find out more about my life coaching certification or relationship coaching training do contact me and I’ll email you details. 

The crazy 8 is where someone loops from high energy negative emotions such as Fear, Anger, Anxiety, Stress to low energy negative emotions like Sadness, Depression, Regret, Disappointment, Despair. The reason that people constantly swing from one set of emotions to the other is because in the low energy side of the loop the person is feeling down, fed up and are not really using much energy they have no motivation to do anything, feel sorry for themselves and  hurt really hurt. They withdraw, disconnect and stay in a low mood, fed up everything seems so unfair and they see people and experiences through dark glasses. They can also feel down about themselves feeling not good enough, attractive enough and unlovable.  So, they do less and then over time they build up their emotional strength and then in an attempt to regain back the control they loop back into anger, blame, fear, anxiety. This is a more energetic state fueled by  adrenaline in which the person feels more in their power. 

The anger creates a physical response of muscular tension, heat and increased heart rate, which is completely opposite to the lethargy experienced at the opposite end of the loop the sadness depressed side.

When the energy state of sadness increases to such a level or timespan where nothing has happened to resolve the issue, it transforms into anger, blame and fear energy. The anger, blame, fear energy state stays active until likewise, with no resolution it subsides back into sadness depression and withdrawal. Each swing is designed to give us control where we otherwise feel powerless. 

It is an exhausting cycle loop to be in for anyone swinging from sadness to anger and fear and back, they are constantly unhappy. I will point out that I do help people on this 8 who have not had an affair in their relationship, where something else painful happened to them and they get stuck in this loop. 

So being on this loop as outlined is awful and the mind and body cannot take it, it wants you to have a break from the chaos. So you come up with a way to exit the loop this is where alcohol, drugs, food, sleeping pills are taken. Or other addictions like porn addiction, gaming addiction, shopping addiction, body improvement addiction etc People want to escape their feelings and of course it’s only a temporary fix. So it is easy to see why unhealthy habits form. 

Sometimes the person who has cheated can get stuck in this loop also from guilt and sadness to fear and anger and back. This is where depression counseling dubai and online can help. 

Or they are on the crazy 8 loop before the affair and the affair was their exit and escape if that makes sense they were already looping between anger and depression and used cheating to exit the cycle. 

So how do you get out if you feel you are on this journey – you need to exit the loop in a healthy way. You need to first be motivated to do so. 

So the first step is understanding what is the behaviour loop giving you?  

Are you benefitting from it in any way? …You’re first answer may be I’m not, no way, but check in…Does it give you attention, make you feel important, powerful or righteous? 

One lady who did a breakthrough 3 day intensive with me recently she searched for marriage counselling dubai and depression counselling Dubai said well if I let it all go then I won’t get what I want and right now I can get away with anything, ask for anything and suggest anything and I get it. I’m now in control. But it was destroying her, she was suffering with little sleep, anxiety over whether her husband was lying or not and with other women, she was checking his phone and asked for pictures. 

We talked this through more and she realised that she could have more influence through love and her feminine power than the angry attacks and anxiety followed by a low mood and self-attacking thoughts. She would also feel so much happier in herself and forgiveness is freeing. She also wanted a peaceful home for her children. So once she was motivated to let it all go we did. 

Often people who have been cheated on can get stuck in the cycle with thoughts like how do I know if my husband or wife still thinks about the affair partner? What if they are still in touch and I do not know?  What if they are comparing them to me? 

This is hard of course however this thought pattern will not get you anywhere because it is impossible to know what someone else is thinking. So ask yourself more important questions like what do I need today, what will help me move forward, how can I show myself and those I love care or take come relationship actions to rebuild trust and connection. 

Like Adam and his wife Corina I worked with recently who wanted an alternative to marriage counselling dubai.  They were suffering because Corina could not help wondering if Adam who had a physical affair 2 years back was still thinking about other women. Adam told Corina that he wanted to move on with her and loved her and Corina asked for total honesty. Adam agreed so when she asked him do you still think about the affair lady he said yes sometimes. Corina was heartbroken and wasn’t sure what to do, yet Adam kept reassuring her that he was committed to her and their two daughters, and that he needed time to get over this other woman.  I soon realized that Adam had been living a life on the Crazy 8 for many years, he had been angry at the world, fearful of the future on one side and then got depressed and he had the affair as a way to escape the loop and his uncomfortable feelings. 

He had very low self-esteem, felt unattractive, like a failure as his finances and career was not how he wanted it to be. He felt sad that is wife was not happy and his teenagers barely spoke to him. He was on the crazy 8 loop and the obsessive thoughts about another woman helped him to escape his painful thoughts and focus on someone else. 

When we realized this we began working on his self-esteem, and he no longer needed the escape. He felt good in himself and determined to make the family happy as well as himself. The breakthrough intensive enabled him to release the negative emotions, change the way he saw himself and it also gave him the energy to get into loving actions to save the marriage. 

It is important to understand change does not need to take a long time.  It is important to understand only that are thoughts create our feelings and our feelings lead to actions or lack of actions right?  So change the thoughts and beliefs, the emotions and actions will change too. Thoughts are just thoughts and both beliefs and thoughts can be changed to support you in the direction you want to go. 

So what I did for this couple was work with them from the foundation upwards, by that I mean understanding and clearing their unhelpful thought patterns. Doing intensive breakthroughs with them each to become the best versions of themselves and feel naturally happy and alive.  So instead of going back over what had happened which was already causing so much stress and a lack of hope in them both. We did 2 individual personal breakthrough session helping them to individually clear the past events causing them trouble now, we released the overwhelming emotions and thoughts, their doubts about themselves, doubts about the future and the relationship. Once we cleared that I supported them to create new wholesome empowering thoughts and beliefs focused on where they want to go. 

Then we were ready to do the relationship coaching (note not traditional marriage counseling) where they both choose their top 8 needs from my 25 relationship actions that rebuild, love closeness and trust. To do this step yourself write a list of 8 things most important to you to have in a relationship for lasting happiness. Then share them one by one. This helps couples to focus on the future they want together and actions daily and weekly to keep them close. 

Lastly, we worked on developing effective listening and communication skills to bring them more peace in their minds and peace and calm in the home. Everyone communicates things in a different way and when we incorporate better listening and communication skills massive shifts can happen also. This is really helpful when needs are not being met or difficult conversations need to be had to move forward.  So, if you find yourself stuck with obsessive thoughts and doubting yourself or commitment to one another rest assured that change can happen when you change your thoughts, release the past and take actions together. 

Article by Nicola Beer – marriage counselling dubai life coach, who runs life coaching certification and relationship coaching certification courses online, she is also a highly respected depression counselling dubai and online professional.